Im here...

[Guest guest]

Namaste,

 

I have had two people in the past couple of days asking of my where abouts and

how things are going, so I figured it was time to appear.

 

I don't really know what to say, and yet I want to say SO much I just don't

know how to get it all out. I've been wanting to write for awhile, I just don't

really know what I want to say but there so much to tell and ask etc etc. I know

this probably makes no sense to any of you. Ramblings of a lunatic.

 

I am doing alright. Physically, mental, and emotionally. Even yesterday I was

singing bhajans (I do this every night) and for the first time I feel the Divine

energies. I FELT like I was sitting at Mothers real darshan. It felt good. I was

almost shocked when I opened my eyes to see I was in my own living room. I have

felt her in the past but it seems like forever ago. I don't even smell her

anymore. I guess I am feeling what all of you are feeling. I don't know. I know

I miss her. I think it goes deeper. I agree with Supriti I didn't know all the

"changes" going on until later. I am still having those changes.

 

I just have a lot on my mind. So much I don't even know if I could type it all

out, or even put it into words what I feel. Some of it feels silly. Things like

why is it that every experience such as Alexanders (on our egroup) and another

that I read in "My First Darshan" book were just like mine on getting a mantra?

The part where we all ask for a mantra and she lights up like a thousand light

bulbs and gives us all a big Yes! I mean ALL of them have almost identical

words! What does this mean???? (I can show you all the comparison if you wish) I

thought what I had was special and even though I have read their experience it

STILL feels special. I know this in my heart. I even feel it. But WHAT does it

mean? I just dumb founded me when I read them.

 

Other things that are more serious to me and having a hard time with, things I

need to come to terms with on my own, such as it seem like I will never get

there. This is so hard to explain. What I mean is I read a little out of "The

Path of Mother" here an there (I haven't finished this book yet and I savor it)

I read about how this woman went through what I would call a rude kundalini

awakening. And another went through trial after trial herself. It took great

strength and courage to get to that point to be able to deal with that kind of

Divine intervention. I know the rewards are great, it just seems like so many

more life time to go, countless. And I am so tired and weary of the pain now. I

just want to be at peace. I know this will eventually happen in its own good

time, and of course I would NEVER give up. Its just a lot more than I can

swallow right now. A lot I never realized before I met Mother. A lot to think

about. Some of it was down right scary. I know we are all on our

own unique path and that we all have different tests. Mother will not give me

anything I can not handle. I know all of this its just hard to swallow. I think

Mother is bringing this too me. Opening my eyes. As the saying in the movie "The

Green Mile" Sometimes the mile seems so long.

 

Another thing happening is Mother has giving me what I would consider my first

"test" and I failed miserably every time. I felt horrible that I couldn't do it.

Then after weeks of this going on and on I was just so upset with myself, I

picked up "The Path of the Mother" and again my lesson was right there.

(synchronisity is amazing) She went on and on about how its ok to accept our

faults. We are not expected to "pass" we just expected to try. And I so did, I

am giving it my all. I just cried and cried for the situation last night. I felt

so much better.

 

I also have been having work related problems and am now after over two years

looking for a new job. I also read (same book, anther day, nother lesson :-) )

"The sufferings and problems that you may witness in the life of a person who is

trying to become a true disciple or devotee are actually speeding up his or her

process of purification" I believe that with us all having work related problems

here that it is some kind of Karma we are all working off or something. A new

job is so life altering to me. Mother knows how I DESPISE change in my life.

Especially something so huge as a job, moving, etc. I NEED consistency. I'm so

scared. I did ask Mother through a ritual I learned from the same book, should I

look for another job because of my 'situation' She said yes. So I go with that

faith. I pray for me to have a job related to something I would enjoy and at the

same time be my seva.

 

Other things in my life are thoughts going through my head, bad thoughts,

thoughts that kept me from even THINKING, in the past, I would ever let myself

meet mother. This past year when I met her I was more or less drawn to her by

her own will, I really had no choice in the matter! These thoughts are so

disturbing and I don't know how to get rid of them. Mother tells me they are

unimportant. I know I am only human and things will work out. I just don't like

feeling this way. Hey, Even Rome wasn't built in a day right! (weak grin)

 

I have a very Christian oriented friend (Roman Catholic) who knows nothing of

the Hindu lingo or beliefs and wants to try to understand more about Hinduism

but more importantly about Mother. I am trying to explain this to her and about

my experiences etc. but I am so ineloquent and illiterate with this type of

stuff. She would like me to bring in a book I think is appropriate for her. What

do you recommend? Something that won't overwhelm or scare her. She is open

minded but can not grasp why we pray to someone who isn't Jesus. She wants to

understand but her beliefs are making her struggle against it

 

 

Its funny because I have all these thoughts in my head but still I have never

felt better in my life, Mind, Body and Soul. I still have blissful moments.

Still feel strongly Amma's presents in every moment of my life. I love her so

much, I don't know what to do with myself. She is so beautiful to me. Its not

even been a month sense her departure and I feel as if it has been five years

sense I last saw her, touched her, smelled her. I have pictures all around me

but none of them seem to look like Amma to me and I feel like I have forgotten

or am afraid to forget what she really looks like. I never, ever, ever, want

this feeling to leave me. I cling to her feet, with all my heart and soul. I

envy all of you who get to see her so much, I pray for her to let me come in

another year to see her in Iowa, and even then that isn't for sure.

 

I miss all of you very much, Erica, Barbara, Kenna, and most of all Dear

Supriti, I felt such a connection with you. I always think about you. I always

see you singing your heart out to Mother in my mind. Supriti never think we

don't care, I always care about all of you. I know some of you are new but I

absolutely LOVE to hear about ALL experiences. And I love feeling close to all

of you. I often think that my letters are so long Mother has me write all this

out to you as a "purification" or "purging" of some sort. I think Mother knows

when I bottle it all up and I have no one to share it with. It never fails even

before I met her when things get rough or difficult she sends someone to hunt me

down on the list to see if I am still with the living. Someone to talk to. Thank

for listening all. I think I'll stop here for now and go on contemplating. I

pray for you all daily. All my love.

 

Always at Amma's Lotus Feet,

Robin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

namah shivaya robin,

 

glad to hear you're doing well. you'll be fine! as far as reading suggestions go

for you

roman catholic friend: i would recommend judith cornell's biography on amma.

it's written

from a 'western perspective' which might make it easier for her to read and

relate.

or the personal journey with amma of karuna poole 'getting to joy' pt. 1&2

here's an

experpt out of pt. 1 which i often recall in bits :

 

amma has said that those who choose to follow her will experience 3 main phases

in their

spiritual development. during the 1st phase devotees fall in love with her. when

mother

looks at an individual, they often feel as if she can see down to their most

core parts.

god's love pours through her. many people, experiencing her love and the sense

of being

known, burst into heartfelt tears.

when devotees are fully bonded the 2nd phase, the stage of being `cooked'

begins. amma

helps devotees to see their weaknesses and vasanans. a christian missionary,

jean nell

maxie, in describing her conception of this stage of spiritual development, said

that at this

point god `arrests' us, in effect saying `enough is enough'. spiritual aspirants

begin to

experience `conscience attacks' any time they engage in destructive behaviors.

if each event in their life is accepted as a potential lesson, devotees are more

likely to

quickly learn what they need to learn, with a minimum of discomfort. during the

`cooking'

stage many of the lessons she `sends' require devotees to let go of intellect

and operate

from intuition and heart.

at some point during the cooking stage, devotees will experience being weaned

from

dependence on ammachi's form. in the same way the gopis could not attain self-

realization until krishna left them, devotees cannot reach the last phase of

spiritual

development until they have cultivated an internal relationship with mother.

their job then

is to remember how much they're loved and to accept each lesson with the

attitude `this is

for my own good'. during the 3rd and last stage of the spiritual process,

devotees merge

with amma in the same way that the divine mother merged into sudhamani.

 

jai ma!

 

with love

 

christiane