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Sad and so so glad

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Sad because I am not with Amma physically right now, knowing she is close by and

glad soooo glad that I get to see my Mom again in Toronto. Thanks to the whole

group here for supporting all the new comers and the skeptics and the curious

ones and the simple-minded seekers like me to can't stand all the philosophy and

just respond to the love. This group is really a part of my life and I look

forward to reading on and on and on

 

At Devi Bhava in Iowa I became hysterical, again. During the months waiting for

Amma to come, I tell myself while I am waiting for Amma to visit the USA that I

am so much better, that I have no more tears to shed - I find I am wrong, again.

I broke into huge sobs and screaming and had to cover my mouth to keep from

screaming out loud during the flower shower in Iowa. All this pain comes up out

of my gut when I think about Amma leaving me again and yet it quite isn't a

physical pain, just a sensation of intense pain once removed from this reality.

It is a very interesting phenomenon to me that I am still crying after 6 years

of having Mother love. I have learned not to worry about this crying and see

that afterwards I do feel calmer and lighter in my spirit. My monkey mind says

I am crazy and I will never stop crying or being hysterical and that is who I

am, but that is not the truth either.

 

I think it is my way of releasing pain from all the times in my life I realized

my birth mother did not want me and the pain of believing that no one else ever

would either. It just comes up when Mother leaves. I met Mother on Devi Bhava

night in 1998 and was hysterical then too.

 

I had such sweet darshan with Ma in Iowa and Chicago and she is so gentle with

me. So gentle. She gives each of us what we need, I believe. Ma knows me and

loves me and knows how fragile I am in the heart. My poor little formerly

broken heart now beats strongly with love pumping in and out. I say my heart is

fragile because I have not reached the point where I can stand up to unkindness

or mean things unless I remember I am Amma's girl.

 

I am babbling to try and put these thoughts and memories outside of me so they

quite rolling around in my head. And releasing them by writing and talking

helps me to get them out into the light. I have so many dark spaces hiding

still inside that need the light of grace and love to shine on them, we all do.

Shining the light of Amma's grace inside forces changes for the better even

though the pain is great sometimes. I want that pain of change because I know

it will bring me closer to the goal.

 

Robin, Angel of mine - wish I could see you again. I kept seeing an Angel

everytime I looked into your eyes, I swear. That is why I said what I said

about being safe... I so enjoyed meeting and visiting with you. I like that

you are singing bhajans with your kids in the morning - that is so great. They

really like it when you are happy.

 

Bala are you going to Toronto, any people going to Toronto that I should

look for?

 

 

Om Namashivaya - In Amma's service,

 

Supriti Omenka Nnadi

 

 

 

New and Improved Mail - Send 10MB messages!

 

 

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