Guest guest Posted April 22, 2004 Report Share Posted April 22, 2004 For weeks, after I met Mother in person, I felt like I was floating. I felt light and intensely content. My mind was clear, my focus was singular, and I was nearly always in the moment. For months, I felt happy and content. I was kind and smiled and did nearly anything I was asked and much that I wasn't to help others. I was interested in life again, maybe for the first time. I started college at 32, stopped getting intoxicated, and hardly said an unkind word. I'm back to my "old" self. I'm cranky, cloudy, muddled, depressed, cynical, foggy-headed, careless and intolerant. I'm tired all the time (some say from my new over-achieving lifestyle). I'm hardly ever aware of the moment and my mind is out of my control. Two weeks away from the end of the school semester, and I am fighting to remember why I even care about it. All it took was 9 months of separation from Mother, stress from a full work and nearly full school load, and the tragic, untimely, pointless death of a 17 year old girl I know. I say "all it took" though I know it's a lot. The last thing, especially, has knocked me back lightyears in spiritual growth: I'm very angry about it. What I could use is some good old "faith based" guidance. Some words of advice, some "hang in there, it'll work itself out", or "why don't you try...". Should I write to Amma? Should I just add "Amma, help me not be such a cranky-head" to my morning prayers? Namah Shivaya, Gabriela P.S. Amma, help me not be such a cranky-head. Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for 25¢ ph/print_splash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2004 Report Share Posted April 22, 2004 Namah Shivaya dear Gabriela, Sorry to hear it seems to hard. Any baby without its mother becomes inconsolable. I'll never forget that little girl who cried all the way to India because she was separated from her mother. The weeks before Amma's tour can see very dark. Perhaps She waits to help us shed the heavy duty negativities until just before we can fall into Her lap, all the better to release the unwanted and imbibe more light, like the starving babies that we are. Don't forget She says as our infinitely compassionate mother, She cannot ignore our cries, so cry to Her, don't hold back. She'll hear and respond, because She is your Real Mother and She can't resist rushing to help you. To borrow from an old gospel song, "Amma on the Mainline, tell Her what you want. Just call Her up and tell Her what you want!" Her lap is the perfect place to deposit all your crankiness! She can handle it, no problem! With you in a puddle at Her Precious feet, your sister in Her, premarupa Aum Amriteshvaryai Namah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2004 Report Share Posted April 22, 2004 Gabrielaji! This brings tears to my eyes, dear sister! Amma is so much closer than you think! Sometimes She plays hide and seek with us, and we have to look for Her in unusual places. A couple of weeks ago I was waiting for the bus here in Hollywood. Corner of Fairfax and Melrose, if anyone can picture that corner. An old man with a cane walked up to the bus stop, ragged and disheveled. His clothes were torn, his bare toes were sticking out of gaping holes in his shoes, and his face and hands were caked with dirt. I see a lot of homeless people here in Los Angeles, but this man was very badly off. A gangster walked up to the bus stop, face like a stone, expressionless. I thought he was going to jack the old man, typical judgement. Instead, this scary looking thug, with tattoos of guns, asked the old man if he wanted to sit down. It was then that I realized the old man was blind. I watched, astonished, moved, as the gangster gently helped the old man into a seat on the bench, with all the grace and tenderness of our own Amma. I caught my breath, KNOWING that I was in the presence of the Queen of Heaven Herself. The two men sat together in silence until the bus came. The gangster patiently helped the man onto the bus, and then turned around and walked away! He had waited with that old man for twenty minutes, only to help him get on the bus, and then go his way. I had watched the whole scene unfold like some Akira Kurosowa film. It was peace-filled, deep, vast purity. My mind was empty, and I stood still in time. I don't want to even try to explain the impact this experience had my understanding of the Divine Mother. She knows our sufferings, and gives to us exactly what we need to continue on our way home to Her. We can leave the past in the past and try again. Every passing moment is a chance to start it all over. Everywhere we turn, She is looking back at us, both vast and subtle, wise and child-like. Hang in there, She's coming! hugs and pranams, Brianna --- Gabriela Rios <gabriela1027 wrote: > For weeks, after I met Mother in person, I felt like > I > was floating. I felt light and intensely content. > My > mind was clear, my focus was singular, and I was > nearly always in the moment. > > For months, I felt happy and content. I was kind and > smiled and did nearly anything I was asked and much > that I wasn't to help others. I was interested in > life again, maybe for the first time. I started > college at 32, stopped getting intoxicated, and > hardly > said an unkind word. > > I'm back to my "old" self. I'm cranky, cloudy, > muddled, depressed, cynical, foggy-headed, careless > and intolerant. I'm tired all the time (some say > from > my new over-achieving lifestyle). I'm hardly ever > aware of the moment and my mind is out of my > control. > Two weeks away from the end of the school semester, > and I am fighting to remember why I even care about > it. > > All it took was 9 months of separation from Mother, > stress from a full work and nearly full school load, > and the tragic, untimely, pointless death of a 17 > year > old girl I know. I say "all it took" though I know > it's a lot. The last thing, especially, has knocked > me back lightyears in spiritual growth: I'm very > angry > about it. > > What I could use is some good old "faith based" > guidance. Some words of advice, some "hang in there, > it'll work itself out", or "why don't you try...". > Should I write to Amma? Should I just add "Amma, > help > me not be such a cranky-head" to my morning prayers? > > > Namah Shivaya, > Gabriela > > P.S. Amma, help me not be such a cranky-head. > > > > > > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for > 25¢ > ph/print_splash > > > ------------------------ Sponsor > > Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! > Links > > > Ammachi > > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for 25¢ ph/print_splash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 - Kenna Ammachi Friday, April 23, 2004 12:08 AM Re: Relapse Namaste, Gabriela, I have family weddings, college graduations, birthdays, etc. coming up and I am also experiencing a bad case of the irritables. I think Brianna has it figured out, tho: I want to be with Mother in Iowa NOW!!!! Daily stuff, and even the special stuff, feels like a vacation that's gone on too long and I just want to go home. I don't know how Amma would react, but a few years ago, when I had really hit the wall and could not even see a way to provide Christmas dinner for my kids, let alone give them gifts, I went to a local park about midnight, walked way down a path and had it out - loudly and literally with fists shaking - with Christ. I assured His High Holiness on His High Horse (words from that night) that I had done my part to the very best of my ability and that He was apparently sitting there on his cloud with His fingers in her ears (actually it was His thumb and not ears, either!!!). I reminded Him he had shredded my family for without even a clue it was coming and had nearly let my kids starve. I gave Him an ultimatum: if I didn't hear/see something directly from Him before Christmas to indicate otherwise, I would commit suicide -at least that way, my kids would have my life insurance for Christmas. On Dec. 22, I found a letter from the IRS in my mailbox: I had miscalculated my taxes and sorry it took so long, but here's a check for $1600!!!!! I can't imagine having to go to such a war with Amma, but again, I agree with Brianna. Don't hesitate to let Amma know how hard it is right now. Love you bunches, Dixie Namah Shivaya dear Gabriela, Sorry to hear it seems to hard. Any baby without its mother becomes inconsolable. I'll never forget that little girl who cried all the way to India because she was separated from her mother. The weeks before Amma's tour can see very dark. Perhaps She waits to help us shed the heavy duty negativities until just before we can fall into Her lap, all the better to release the unwanted and imbibe more light, like the starving babies that we are. Don't forget She says as our infinitely compassionate mother, She cannot ignore our cries, so cry to Her, don't hold back. She'll hear and respond, because She is your Real Mother and She can't resist rushing to help you. To borrow from an old gospel song, "Amma on the Mainline, tell Her what you want. Just call Her up and tell Her what you want!" Her lap is the perfect place to deposit all your crankiness! She can handle it, no problem! With you in a puddle at Her Precious feet, your sister in Her, premarupa Aum Amriteshvaryai Namah Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! Links Ammachi/ b.. Ammachi c.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 Namah Shivaya Premarupa, Thank you for the kind words. I hadn't thought about the possibility that I feel this way because I'm "weeks away" from seeing Her, as you said. Learning to cry to Mother is difficult for me, but I'll try. I cried for Her when she was leaving after Devi Bhava in RI last year, so I should be able to recall that feeling and cry for Her again. Thank you, Gabriela --- Kenna <kenna wrote: > Namah Shivaya dear Gabriela, > > Sorry to hear it seems to hard. > Any baby without its mother becomes inconsolable. > I'll never forget that little girl who cried all the > way to India because > she was separated from her mother. > The weeks before Amma's tour can see very dark. > Perhaps She waits to help us shed the heavy duty > negativities until just > before we can fall into Her lap, all the better to > release the unwanted and > imbibe more light, like the starving babies that we > are. > > Don't forget She says as our infinitely > compassionate mother, > She cannot ignore our cries, so cry to Her, don't > hold back. > She'll hear and respond, because She is your Real > Mother and She can't > resist rushing to help you. > > To borrow from an old gospel song, "Amma on the > Mainline, tell Her what you > want. Just call Her up and tell Her what you want!" > > Her lap is the perfect place to deposit all your > crankiness! She can handle > it, no problem! > > With you in a puddle at Her Precious feet, > your sister in Her, > premarupa > Aum Amriteshvaryai Namah > > > > > > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for 25¢ ph/print_splash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 Brianna, That was a wonderful story! I could picture the whole scene... Thank you for sharing it, and for building up to the "hang on. She's coming". That made me so happy to think about! I CAN'T WAIT! Gabriela --- Brianna Mosteller <rubyrapunzel wrote: > Gabrielaji! > > This brings tears to my eyes, dear sister! Amma is > so > much closer than you think! Sometimes She plays hide > and seek with us, and we have to look for Her in > unusual places. > > A couple of weeks ago I was waiting for the bus here > in Hollywood. Corner of Fairfax and Melrose, if > anyone > can picture that corner. An old man with a cane > walked > up to the bus stop, ragged and disheveled. His > clothes > were torn, his bare toes were sticking out of gaping > holes in his shoes, and his face and hands were > caked > with dirt. I see a lot of homeless people here in > Los > Angeles, but this man was very badly off. > > A gangster walked up to the bus stop, face like a > stone, expressionless. I thought he was going to > jack > the old man, typical judgement. Instead, this scary > looking thug, with tattoos of guns, asked the old > man > if he wanted to sit down. It was then that I > realized > the old man was blind. I watched, astonished, moved, > as the gangster gently helped the old man into a > seat > on the bench, with all the grace and tenderness of > our > own Amma. I caught my breath, KNOWING that I was in > the presence of the Queen of Heaven Herself. > > The two men sat together in silence until the bus > came. The gangster patiently helped the man onto the > bus, and then turned around and walked away! He had > waited with that old man for twenty minutes, only to > help him get on the bus, and then go his way. > > I had watched the whole scene unfold like some Akira > Kurosowa film. It was peace-filled, deep, vast > purity. > My mind was empty, and I stood still in time. > > I don't want to even try to explain the impact this > experience had my understanding of the Divine > Mother. > She knows our sufferings, and gives to us exactly > what > we need to continue on our way home to Her. We can > leave the past in the past and try again. Every > passing moment is a chance to start it all over. > Everywhere we turn, She is looking back at us, both > vast and subtle, wise and child-like. > > Hang in there, She's coming! > > hugs and pranams, > > Brianna > > --- Gabriela Rios <gabriela1027 wrote: > > For weeks, after I met Mother in person, I felt > like > > I > > was floating. I felt light and intensely content. > > > My > > mind was clear, my focus was singular, and I was > > nearly always in the moment. > > > > For months, I felt happy and content. I was kind > and > > smiled and did nearly anything I was asked and > much > > that I wasn't to help others. I was interested in > > life again, maybe for the first time. I started > > college at 32, stopped getting intoxicated, and > > hardly > > said an unkind word. > > > > I'm back to my "old" self. I'm cranky, cloudy, > > muddled, depressed, cynical, foggy-headed, > careless > > and intolerant. I'm tired all the time (some say > > from > > my new over-achieving lifestyle). I'm hardly ever > > aware of the moment and my mind is out of my > > control. > > Two weeks away from the end of the school > semester, > > and I am fighting to remember why I even care > about > > it. > > > > All it took was 9 months of separation from > Mother, > > stress from a full work and nearly full school > load, > > and the tragic, untimely, pointless death of a 17 > > year > > old girl I know. I say "all it took" though I > know > > it's a lot. The last thing, especially, has > knocked > > me back lightyears in spiritual growth: I'm very > > angry > > about it. > > > > What I could use is some good old "faith based" > > guidance. Some words of advice, some "hang in > there, > > it'll work itself out", or "why don't you try...". > > > Should I write to Amma? Should I just add "Amma, > > help > > me not be such a cranky-head" to my morning > prayers? > > > > > > Namah Shivaya, > > Gabriela > > > > P.S. Amma, help me not be such a cranky-head. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for > > 25¢ > > ph/print_splash > > > > > > ------------------------ Sponsor > > > > Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! > > Links > > > > > > Ammachi > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for > 25¢ > ph/print_splash > > > ------------------------ Sponsor > > Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! > Links > > > Ammachi > > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for 25¢ ph/print_splash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 Namah Shivaya, I have been "mad" at Amma lately, I guess. I notice I'm going through one of those periods where I don't like looking at Her. Even when I do my morning sadhana, I sort of glance at Her before I start and after I finish. Maybe I need to tell Her that. --- Dixie Thacker <dixielou wrote: > > - > Kenna > Ammachi > Friday, April 23, 2004 12:08 AM > Re: Relapse > Namaste, Gabriela, > > I have family weddings, college graduations, > birthdays, etc. coming up and I am also experiencing > a bad case of the irritables. I think Brianna has > it figured out, tho: I want to be with Mother in > Iowa NOW!!!! Daily stuff, and even the special > stuff, feels like a vacation that's gone on too long > and I just want to go home. > > I don't know how Amma would react, but a few years > ago, when I had really hit the wall and could not > even see a way to provide Christmas dinner for my > kids, let alone give them gifts, I went to a local > park about midnight, walked way down a path and had > it out - loudly and literally with fists shaking - > with Christ. I assured His High Holiness on His > High Horse (words from that night) that I had done > my part to the very best of my ability and that He > was apparently sitting there on his cloud with His > fingers in her ears (actually it was His thumb and > not ears, either!!!). I reminded Him he had > shredded my family for without even a clue it was > coming and had nearly let my kids starve. I gave > Him an ultimatum: if I didn't hear/see something > directly from Him before Christmas to indicate > otherwise, I would commit suicide -at least that > way, my kids would have my life insurance for > Christmas. > > On Dec. 22, I found a letter from the IRS in my > mailbox: I had miscalculated my taxes and sorry it > took so long, but here's a check for $1600!!!!! > I can't imagine having to go to such a war with > Amma, but again, I agree with Brianna. Don't > hesitate to let Amma know how hard it is right now. > > Love you bunches, > Dixie > > > Namah Shivaya dear Gabriela, > > Sorry to hear it seems to hard. > Any baby without its mother becomes inconsolable. > I'll never forget that little girl who cried all > the way to India because > she was separated from her mother. > The weeks before Amma's tour can see very dark. > Perhaps She waits to help us shed the heavy duty > negativities until just > before we can fall into Her lap, all the better to > release the unwanted and > imbibe more light, like the starving babies that > we are. > > Don't forget She says as our infinitely > compassionate mother, > She cannot ignore our cries, so cry to Her, don't > hold back. > She'll hear and respond, because She is your Real > Mother and She can't > resist rushing to help you. > > To borrow from an old gospel song, "Amma on the > Mainline, tell Her what you > want. Just call Her up and tell Her what you > want!" > > Her lap is the perfect place to deposit all your > crankiness! She can handle > it, no problem! > > With you in a puddle at Her Precious feet, > your sister in Her, > premarupa > Aum Amriteshvaryai Namah > > Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! > > > > > Links > > > Ammachi/ > > b.. To from this group, send an > email to: > Ammachi > > c.. Your use of is subject to the > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for 25¢ ph/print_splash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 Dear Gabriela, Namaste, I am now sitting in my office trying to see the computer screen through my flowing tears. These emails have touched me at exactly the right time, in exactly the right way. This week has been an emotional roller coaster for so many that I know in life. It has been TOUGH. Everything from long-term health problems, to death of an infant, to intense periods of stress. I lost it the other night, and ended up wondering why I bother with spirituality at all. Spirituality has made me a much more sensitive person, and being sensitive has its definite down side. My honeymoon period with Amma is officially OVER. I have started to wonder why She is working so HARD on me. Why all of my bad mood swings, bad habits, and negative feelings are all coming up to the surface at once and exploding like Old Faithful? IT HURTS from the INSIDE and I was mad at Amma for doing this to me. But now, reading your posts, it has made me realize that it is NOT Amma I am mad at. It is not She who is doing this to me...I AM DOING THIS TO ME. Amma loves me and wants me to grow, so this is why all of this yucky stuff is coming up at once. Not to be too crude, but we vomit when we have too much alcohol in our system because our body knows that it's "not good". It feels terrible, but is better for us in the long run. I am making the promise right now to redirect my anger and hostility. It is not Amma's fault. I miss Her physical presence. This longing period is Her grace, just as the "honeymoon" period was too. So my point is, dear Gabriela, that you are not alone. Your feelings and reactions are completely valid and, I think, NORMAL. Others are right: SHE IS NEAR! With you slumped over in a big ball of emotion and longing at Her feet, With love, Niseema Ammachi, Gabriela Rios <gabriela1027> wrote: > Namah Shivaya, > > I have been "mad" at Amma lately, I guess. I notice > I'm going through one of those periods where I don't > like looking at Her. Even when I do my morning > sadhana, I sort of glance at Her before I start and > after I finish. Maybe I need to tell Her that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 P.S. The spiritual path is not linear, but rather it is circular. When we peel back a layer of the onion that is our ego, the old layer seems useless and is forgotten. The new top layer gets worn and useless quickly, and getting to the next layer is even harder still. But once we are there, to the third layer, we only want to get further down. I think it is all a sign of progress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 Om Namah Shivaya: This is George4Mata. Got bored and changed email tag. It seems that George cannot be for or against the Supreme. Will try to crawl up the darshan line a surrendered sibling. When the Dry Periods of spiritually appear the Psalms of King David (Rajah David) touch a chord Parts of Psalm 73 read: 22 I was so foolish and ignorant-- I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. 23 Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. 24 You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. 25 Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. Scripture helps during these mind funks. A senior Swami from a different organization personally advised me to intensify all spiritual practices when that Dark Night of the Soul looms. The Swami suggested that the mind tends to want to do the opposite when we get blows eg over-eat eg zone out in front of the television. The proper response is to do MORE Japa More Meditation More Self-less service and in the midst of these practices the Funk gets dissolved. Sister, this is what he suggested and I have had success practicing this. Sincerely Son Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for 25¢ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 Namah Shivaya Gabriela, When I am in the middle of the "dark night" I try to remind myself of all the times I have felt hopeless, angry, overwhelmed in the past. I try to remember how I thought the negativity would never end. It has always ended. The other side of that is when I am in a state of bliss in the pressence of my Beloved Amma I think, "I hope this never ends." and it always does. It is always a dance between that which we seek and that which we seek to avoid until we realize that it all is perfect just the way it is right now. One time when I was feeling particularly dry in my spiritual practice, and was driving along overwhelmed by restlessness, I was stopped in traffic and glanced to a billboard at the side of the road. It said, "Without the rain the world would be a desert." There was no other words to identify the reason for this message, or the group responsible for its posting. I took it as a direct message from Amma. She said to me that this world brings the appearance of good and bad, dark and light. I felt Her nudge me to remember the impermanence in this world, and to know that if I did not experience the dry periods, I would not know how to savor the bliss of Her gentle rain of grace. Just my thoughts and my final words, "HANG IN THERE GABRIELA!" Jai Ma! Omana Ammachi, Gabriela Rios <gabriela1027> wrote: > For weeks, after I met Mother in person, I felt like I > was floating. I felt light and intensely content. My > mind was clear, my focus was singular, and I was > nearly always in the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 Namah Shivaya. Wow! What a great satsang I wandered into. Sure have been missing you all. Regarding anger, Amma says we should be angry at Her because She can handle it. It's giving it to others that really hurts them and us. Praying She help us all remember to do it that way. Love to all, In Her grace, premarupa Aum Amriteshvaryai Namah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 "Just call out, but let the call come from you heart. Just as a child cries out for food or to be cuddled by his mother, call out to Him with the same intensity and innocence. Childre, no other sadhana will give you the bliss of divine love as effectively as sincere prayer." -Amma Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for 25¢ ph/print_splash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 Jai Gabriela: > I have been "mad" at Amma lately, I guess. I notice > I'm going through one of those periods where I don't > like looking at Her. Even when I do my morning > sadhana, I sort of glance at Her before I start and > after I finish. Maybe I need to tell Her that. > I once heard a devotee asking his guru (not Amma) what gift he could give him. The guru responded: "Give me your garbage, your anger and your hatred". Aum Amriteshvaryai Namah Kandar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2004 Report Share Posted April 23, 2004 Niseema: > Others are right: SHE IS NEAR! > -------------------- As near as you allow Her to be! Kandar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2004 Report Share Posted April 24, 2004 Oh Niseema, I need to be near Her so much. I didn't even realize. Yesteray, my best friend asked me if I am at least still talking to God, and I said that when I try I feel like no one is listening. He got really sad and said that was terrible. He said that even in his worst moments, he never lost his connection that way. He was always aware that he could talk to Jesus, and he ordered me to talk to Amma! So, I'm slowly trying. Last night I realized it was definitely the death of the 17 year old girl that got to me. Since then it's been even hard to smile. Her father, my friend, was raising her and he found her dead two weeks ago this morning, and it kills me that he is now suffering. Anyway, all of these emails ARE helping me remember what's important, and that's what I needed. Namah Shivaya, Gabriela Niseema - will you be in Seattle by any chance? --- Erica <sugarandbrine wrote: > Dear Gabriela, > Namaste, > > I am now sitting in my office trying to see the > computer screen > through my flowing tears. These emails have touched > me at exactly the > right time, in exactly the right way. > > This week has been an emotional roller coaster for > so many that I > know in life. It has been TOUGH. Everything from > long-term health > problems, to death of an infant, to intense periods > of stress. I lost > it the other night, and ended up wondering why I > bother with > spirituality at all. Spirituality has made me a much > more sensitive > person, and being sensitive has its definite down > side. > > My honeymoon period with Amma is officially OVER. I > have started to > wonder why She is working so HARD on me. Why all of > my bad mood > swings, bad habits, and negative feelings are all > coming up to the > surface at once and exploding like Old Faithful? IT > HURTS from the > INSIDE and I was mad at Amma for doing this to me. > But now, reading > your posts, it has made me realize that it is NOT > Amma I am mad at. > It is not She who is doing this to me...I AM DOING > THIS TO ME. Amma > loves me and wants me to grow, so this is why all of > this yucky stuff > is coming up at once. Not to be too crude, but we > vomit when we have > too much alcohol in our system because our body > knows that it's "not > good". It feels terrible, but is better for us in > the long run. > > I am making the promise right now to redirect my > anger and hostility. > It is not Amma's fault. I miss Her physical > presence. This longing > period is Her grace, just as the "honeymoon" period > was too. > > So my point is, dear Gabriela, that you are not > alone. Your feelings > and reactions are completely valid and, I think, > NORMAL. > > Others are right: SHE IS NEAR! > > With you slumped over in a big ball of emotion and > longing at Her > feet, > With love, > Niseema > > Ammachi, Gabriela Rios > <gabriela1027> > wrote: > > Namah Shivaya, > > > > I have been "mad" at Amma lately, I guess. I > notice > > I'm going through one of those periods where I > don't > > like looking at Her. Even when I do my morning > > sadhana, I sort of glance at Her before I start > and > > after I finish. Maybe I need to tell Her that. > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for 25¢ ph/print_splash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2004 Report Share Posted April 24, 2004 You're right, George. My same friend who said I need to talk to Amma keeps pestering me about my mantra. No, I haven't been saying it. When things get bad I've always retreated (it's a miracle I mentioned it here in this forum - it was a moment of desperation that night). In the same way I am retreating from Amma, retreating from God. I still do the 108 names, but yesterday I felt like I was doing it VERY mechanically. I even apologized at the end. But yes, the word from everyone is PRAY HARDER, and so I guess I have to try. Thank you for the Psalms. I very much enjoy and appreciate scripture. Gabriela --- GeorgeSon <leokomor wrote: > Om Namah Shivaya: > > This is George4Mata. Got bored and changed email > tag. > It seems that George cannot be for or against the > Supreme. Will try to crawl up the darshan line a > surrendered sibling. > > When the Dry Periods of spiritually appear the > Psalms of King David (Rajah David) touch a chord > > Parts of Psalm 73 read: > > 22 > I was so foolish and ignorant-- > I must have seemed like a senseless animal > to you. > 23 > Yet I still belong to you; > you are holding my right hand. > 24 > You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, > leading me to a glorious destiny. > 25 > Whom have I in heaven but you? > I desire you more than anything on earth. > > Scripture helps during these mind funks. > > A senior Swami from a different organization > personally advised me to intensify all spiritual > practices when that Dark Night of the Soul looms. > The Swami suggested that the mind tends to want to > do the opposite when we get blows eg over-eat eg > zone out in front of the television. The proper > response is to do MORE Japa More Meditation More > Self-less service and in the midst of these > practices the Funk gets dissolved. > > Sister, this is what he suggested and I have had > success practicing this. > > Sincerely > > Son > > > > > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for > 25¢ > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > ------------------------ Sponsor > > Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! > Links > > > Ammachi > > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for 25¢ ph/print_splash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2004 Report Share Posted April 24, 2004 That's a beautiful message! Especially touching to me because I LOVE rain. People think I'm crazy, but when it rains and everyone is complaining about the "bad" weather, I'm grinning like an idiot. And yes, I understand the converse idea in the billboard, that even if we don't like rain, it's necessary. And even that even if what I'm going through is rough, it's necessary. In fact, I need to remember that I'm VERY LUCKY, and feeling so bad is selfish! I think this is the beginning of the end, Omana, and everyone else. I've been being selfish! What a baby! I can't believe it, but I think all your words have really, really helped! Ma, how can I have been SO selfish??? I have so much in the world and here I've been feeling sorry for myself, depressed, helpless. As if I deserve MORE than other people. That poor girl died, but I have so much comfort to give to those left behind and I've been a black scribble instead. Ugh. Thank you Omana, Niseema, Premarupa, everyone! I hope this realization lasts... Two more weeks of school and one huge stress factor will be removed - that will help also. Jai Ma! Gabriela --- Omana <eveningstar8 wrote: > Namah Shivaya Gabriela, > When I am in the middle of the "dark night" I try to > remind myself of > all the times I have felt hopeless, angry, > overwhelmed in the past. I > try to remember how I thought the negativity would > never end. It has > always ended. > > The other side of that is when I am in a state of > bliss in the > pressence of my Beloved Amma I think, "I hope this > never ends." and > it always does. It is always a dance between that > which we seek and > that which we seek to avoid until we realize that it > all is perfect > just the way it is right now. > > One time when I was feeling particularly dry in my > spiritual > practice, and was driving along overwhelmed by > restlessness, I was > stopped in traffic and glanced to a billboard at the > side of the > road. It said, "Without the rain the world would be > a desert." There > was no other words to identify the reason for this > message, or the > group responsible for its posting. I took it as a > direct message from > Amma. She said to me that this world brings the > appearance of good > and bad, dark and light. I felt Her nudge me to > remember the > impermanence in this world, and to know that if I > did not experience > the dry periods, I would not know how to savor the > bliss of Her > gentle rain of grace. > > Just my thoughts and my final words, "HANG IN THERE > GABRIELA!" > > Jai Ma! > Omana > > Ammachi, Gabriela Rios > <gabriela1027> > wrote: > > For weeks, after I met Mother in person, I felt > like I > > was floating. I felt light and intensely content. > My > > mind was clear, my focus was singular, and I was > > nearly always in the moment. > > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for 25¢ ph/print_splash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2004 Report Share Posted April 24, 2004 Dear Gabriela, I will not be in Seattle. I plan on seeing Her in Chicago, NY, and RI. I am very proud of your moment of clarity! It is hard work, being spiritually-minded, but with a good satsang, mantra, and a tight grasp at our Mother's feet, we will ALL be okay. I went to a two-month old infant's funeral yesterday. It was, by far, the most heart-wrenching ordeal I'd ever experienced. My heart broke when the baby's four-year-old sister said, "I don't want our baby to die! I don't want our baby in the dirt!" I was praying to Amma -- please Amma, be with this family. They need you more than I do at this moment. Somehow, that made me bring things all into perspective. Amma is not with me, physically, right now because there are people elsewhere who need Her too. I get selfish and a bit greedy. I'm working on changing that. With lots of love and prayers, Niseema Ammachi, Gabriela Rios <gabriela1027> wrote: > Oh Niseema, I need to be near Her so much. I didn't > even realize. Yesteray, my best friend asked me if I > am at least still talking to God, and I said that when > I try I feel like no one is listening. He got really > sad and said that was terrible. He said that even in > his worst moments, he never lost his connection that > way. He was always aware that he could talk to Jesus, > and he ordered me to talk to Amma! So, I'm slowly > trying. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 Dear Gabriela, It is May 5th, and I am only now reading your post from April 22nd. I feel a bit guilty, as I have been e-mailing you with questions about satsang dates and garage sales and such. Grieving a death -- any kind of death -- is not a small thing. My heart goes out to you... Just now I prayed to Amma, and asked Her to show me a poem that I could share with you, a poem that might bring you a blessing. The book opened to this poem by Mary Oliver, called "The Wren from Carolina." I pass it along with much love -- Amala ******************************************** Just now the wren from Carolina buzzed through the neighbor's hedge a line of grace notes I couldn't even write down much less sing. Now he lifts his chestnut colored throat and delivers such a cantering praise -- for what? For the early morning, the taste of the spider, for his small cup of life that he drinks from every day, knowing it will refill. All things are inventions of holiness. Some more rascally than others. I'm on that list too, though I don't know exactly where. But, every morning, there's my own cup of gladness, and there's that wren in the hedge, above me, with his blazing song. ************************************************** --- Gabriela Rios <gabriela1027 wrote: > For weeks, after I met Mother in person, I felt like > I > was floating. I felt light and intensely content. > My > mind was clear, my focus was singular, and I was > nearly always in the moment. > > For months, I felt happy and content. I was kind and > smiled and did nearly anything I was asked and much > that I wasn't to help others. I was interested in > life again, maybe for the first time. I started > college at 32, stopped getting intoxicated, and > hardly > said an unkind word. > > I'm back to my "old" self. I'm cranky, cloudy, > muddled, depressed, cynical, foggy-headed, careless > and intolerant. I'm tired all the time (some say > from > my new over-achieving lifestyle). I'm hardly ever > aware of the moment and my mind is out of my > control. > Two weeks away from the end of the school semester, > and I am fighting to remember why I even care about > it. > > All it took was 9 months of separation from Mother, > stress from a full work and nearly full school load, > and the tragic, untimely, pointless death of a 17 > year > old girl I know. I say "all it took" though I know > it's a lot. The last thing, especially, has knocked > me back lightyears in spiritual growth: I'm very > angry > about it. > > What I could use is some good old "faith based" > guidance. Some words of advice, some "hang in there, > it'll work itself out", or "why don't you try...". > Should I write to Amma? Should I just add "Amma, > help > me not be such a cranky-head" to my morning prayers? > > > Namah Shivaya, > Gabriela > > P.S. Amma, help me not be such a cranky-head. > > > > > > > Photos: High-quality 4x6 digital prints for > 25¢ > ph/print_splash > > > ------------------------ Sponsor > > Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! > Links > > > Ammachi > > > Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at HotJobs http://hotjobs.sweepstakes./careermakeover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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