Former Air Force colonel is a born-again Hindu

[Guest guest]

As a former colonel in the U.S. Air Force, Kirby Knox is accustomed

to giving orders as much as following them. These days, however,

he's willingly surrendering to a guru as part of his spiritual

practice.

Knox, a 53-year-old physician who received his medical training

while in the military, is a devotee of Ammachi, a Hindu holy woman

revered as the "Hugging Saint" because of her practice of

transmitting blessings in the form of hugs to millions of people

around the world.

 

Knox, who practices acupuncture and other alternative therapies in

Richmond and San Leandro, has been fascinated by Eastern religious

ideas and practices since his days as a cadet at the U.S. Air Force

Academy.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2005/03/14/findrelig.DTL

 

 

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So, tell me about your upbringing. Did you grow up with a particular

religious faith?

I was raised in a strict Methodist family. My father was in the Air

Force until I was 12, so we went to church on the [military] bases

where we lived. When he retired, we joined a church in south Florida

where my mother's parents belonged.

 

What was your attitude about the church as you got older?

 

I didn't understand how someone from a different country -- like,

say, in the heart of Africa -- who was not raised a Christian would

be consigned to Hell for not taking Jesus as his personal savior.

Then, when I was in high school, I had an English teacher -- he must

have been an atheist or something -- who raised a lot of

philosophical questions around religion. At some point during that

time, I just decided I didn't believe what the Methodist Church was

propagating.

 

When did you begin seriously exploring Eastern spiritual ideas?

 

I was in medical school, browsing in the bookstore, and this book

just kind of popped out at me on the bookshelf. It was "Life after

Life," by Raymond Moody. He was a physician who chronicled people's

near-death experiences. I was fascinated that there was such

consistency among people's accounts, and that really got me

questioning what I believed about reincarnation and other ideas. I

began trying to find my own spiritual roots.

 

Do you still think of yourself as a Christian?

 

Not really. I still love Jesus -- in some ways even more so than

when I was a kid. But I don't consider myself a Christian, because I

don't believe that Jesus Christ is the only way to God.

 

Eventually, you become a devotee of Ammachi, the Hindu holy woman

who is considered by her followers to be an avatar, a divine

incarnation of God. What led you to her?

 

One of my friends was a serious devotee of hers and invited us to

the ashram [in San Ramon]. Each time, I got her blessing, her

darshan, which is a very powerful spiritual experience. About two

and a half years ago, that same friend suggested I spend three days

on retreat with her.

 

What happened on the retreat?

 

I mentioned earlier how much I loved Jesus. I can remember as a

young person thinking, "What would it have been like to be around

Jesus? What would it have been like to be at the Sermon on the

Mount?" As I was sitting there, watching this woman beam

unconditional love to every person, every single person she was

hugging that day -- and feeling that unconditional love myself -- I

started thinking about that [memory] and how this was almost like

being in the presence of Jesus. One thing led to another, and it was

like some floodgate in my heart opened up, like a ton of bricks

fell -- I just fell in love with this person. Since that time, I've

gone to every one of her retreats here locally. Tasha, my wife, and

I have become fairly serious devotees.

 

How would you describe your spiritual orientation these days?

 

I guess you could say I'm a born-again Hindu. My spiritual

practices, the services I go to, are all centered in Hinduism --

although it feels kind of funny to say that, given my Christian

background.

 

How has your association with Ammachi changed your spiritual

beliefs? Do you have a different worldview than you did before?

 

I wouldn't say they have changed, exactly. It's more like she

fulfills my beliefs. I remember, 15 or 20 years ago, I picked up a

book about the oneness of all religions. Something about that idea

struck me as true. A few years later, I read "The Tao of Physics,"

and the author said pretty much the same thing, the idea that

physicists have gotten to the point where they realize that beneath

everything is consciousness, which holds the universe together, so

everything really is "all one." That's also a teaching of Hinduism,

and it's something I have wanted to feel and experience for my

entire life. So, part of my spiritual path is trying to free myself

from my ego to the point where I can recognize the truth that all is

one.

 

How do you do that?

 

Part of my spiritual practice is, as much as I can, turning over

every aspect of my life to Amma. I do it in little ways, like when

I'm driving in a car and I notice that I'm stressed out because I'm

trying to get somewhere in a hurry. I'll say to myself, "Just let go

of the anxiety. Turn it over to Amma. If she wants me to get there

on time, I will. If she wants me to be late, then that's OK with me,

because she's the one establishing the rules here." It's brought me

a tremendous amount of peace and serenity in my life. When you

surrender the responsibility for how things turn out, you're no

longer burdened by it.

 

How does that work as a physician? Isn't it difficult to surrender

responsibility when you're caring for someone who is sick?

 

As a Western physician, I was taught that I am responsible for the

health care of my patients. I had to decide what the problem was,

choose the right medication and do the follow-up to make sure

everything went well. So there's this tremendous responsibility that

I, as the physician, assumed. But since I met Amma, I've done a lot

more of saying to myself, "OK, Amma, I'm asking you to let me be an

instrument of your healing. I'm going to do the best I can, take

care of people as much as I can, but I'm going to let the result of

my effort be in your hands."

 

Do you think that makes you a better doctor?

 

That's difficult to say. I will say that my connection to Amma has

opened my heart, and that openness is reflected in the way that I am

with my patients. Sometimes, when I walk into an exam room, I

experience this palpable sense of love toward the patient. That

definitely helps me be a more compassionate doctor. And I think it's

safe to say I didn't have that kind of experience years ago, before

my connection to Amma.

 

Some people in Western cultures are uncomfortable with the idea of

giving themselves over to a guru. Do you ever worry about giving up

control?

 

I have to say that surrendering to a guru is a gradual process.

There are times when it's difficult, and there are times when I've

wondered, "What am I doing?" But more recently, it's become easier

for me. I think what helps is my own personal belief that Amma is a

divine representation of God. It takes a certain leap of faith for

anyone to believe that God is manifest in physical form as Jesus,

Buddha or Mohammed. But once you do that, the path is made easier to

you to surrender yourself.

 

Do any of your friends have a hard time understanding what you're

doing?

 

Most of my friends have spiritual backgrounds, and I think all of

them appreciate my desire to be closer to God. The people who really

have a hard time are my family -- I'm like the black sheep. My

parents are strict fundamentalist Christians. I've got four

brothers, one of whom is a Methodist minister. All of them are

deeply devout Methodist Christians who do missionary work each year.

I try to explain to them a little about Eastern beliefs and

reincarnation; it's kind of sad, because I really can't share with

them what is really the most important aspect of my life, which is

my relationship with God.

 

As a doctor, you've had a lot of scientific training. Do you ever

see a conflict between science and spirituality?

 

No, because I've always considered myself to be quite an unusual

doctor and scientist -- I've never quite fit into the stereotypical

mold. If anything, I've looked the other way at Western medicine and

wondered what was wrong with it: Why does it have to be so

mechanical? Where's the place for heart and spirit?

 

You're not a stereotypical military man, either, although you spent

23 years in the Air Force and retired as a colonel. How did you fit

in with your fellow servicemen?

 

People knew I was a little different. They knew I did things like

take training in past-life therapy and go to places like Harbin Hot

Springs. I was definitely interested in things that somewhat more

conservative Air Force officers weren't generally interested in.

 

I want to ask you about Amma's practice of hugging. I've read that

she's hugged more than 50,000 people in a single day and 21 million

in the last 30 years. What's that about?

 

I think the hugging is really about her recognizing that each person

who comes for her blessing is not an individual, not separate from

her self -- she sees that person as divine. Of course, she also

knows that each person has an ego that's clouding their perception

of who they are. When she hugs them, she imparts a certain amount of

her own spiritual presence and energy with the intent of opening up

their hearts to God. The wonderful thing is that it doesn't matter

what your spiritual background and belief is. You could be Jewish,

Muslim, Christian, whatever. It's her firm conviction that there's

good in all religions.

 

Do you have a particular spiritual practice?

 

I do quite a few things. I have a mantra that Amma gave me. I'm

supposed to recite it 108 times a day. But I try to do it as much as

I can, when I'm shaving or driving my car. I also try to get up once

in the middle of the night to pray and meditate for an hour or so.

 

What is your mantra?

 

I'm not allowed to tell you. It's something between you and the

guru. I could share it with my wife, but I haven't. I may tell her

on my deathbed [laughs] -- I don't know.

 

Speaking of death, you believe in reincarnation, right?

 

Well, I don't want to be reincarnated [laughs]. But I believe if I'm

not successful in finding my true nature, I will be.

 

What does "finding your true nature" mean to you? How will you know

that you've done it?

 

You probably don't know until the moment you've awakened, because,

up to that point, there's still a concept of "I," which represents

the ego. As long as the ego is there, there is a sense of

separateness between you and everything else. If there's ever going

to be an experience of oneness, then you, as an entity, have to

disappear. My desire is that, through spiritual practices and the

grace of Amma, at some point in my life, my sense of individuality

will be eliminated, and, in that instant of time, there won't be a

Kirby anymore. Everything will be God -- it will all be one with me.