martensite

Dear friends, Thank you very much for your advice and analysis. I also knew deep down inside, about the quest for material desires leading to misery, and the inescapability of Karma without the Will of The Lord. I was just not able to reconcile to it so easily, given my petty human nature. However, your answers have made some things clearer. I will start from there. Best regards, -M

Well, my apologies in advance if it seems like a sappy story, but I have to get it off my chest because it is driving me insane. I come from a very religious family who are followers of Vaishnavism. From my younger days (Iam nearly 27 now) i used to be religious, in the sense that I had full faith in Sri Venkateswara, though i must admit i never did pay much attention to ritualistic practices. About four years ago, i came over to the US (from India). Then, it started slipping away. Due to pressure of studies and a highly irregular schedule, I did not find time (or have the mind) to pray daily. I do not think it was due to a sudden contact with western culture, because i have always been exposed to the west, right from my childhood, and i am no stranger to it. I know the pitfalls, and I have stayed away from them. I did not go down the path of atheism, but I kind of strayed away from religion. That was entirely my fault. About Feb. of last year, I met a girl. She was Buddhist, from East Asia. I got to know her, because we shared a common office, and I liked her very much. She was the girl I was waiting for, all my life. She was intelligent, charming, very sweet, beautiful and conservative, with a strong sense of values. And she was single, she did not have any boyfriend. She was not the type who would go out with anybody and everybody (she never had a proper boyfriend upto now). She was like me in so many aspects. She was the very first girl whom I ever liked. I have never womanized or attempted to. I have never looked for a girl, never 'socialized' in the hope of 'attracting' girls, because I always felt that when I met the right girl, then I would know. With a clear conscience, I can say that that I have a led a mostly principled and ethical life. (Not perfect by far, but I have tried to always tried to do what is right, and help others as much as possible.) Last March, I approached her hesitantly and asked her out for dinner, but was unsuccessful. In the following weeks, she was still very friendly towards me, but did not suggest that there would be any romantic involvement at all. The ironic part was she did not know how alike we were, and how I'd do anything to make her happy. I pondered the developments for awhile and came to the conclusion that it was a signal from the Lord that I had strayed from the Path, and I needed to correct my ways. I prayed from the bottom of my heart to The Lord to make things alright for me. For so many months, I prayed. I did not ask for wealth, or fame, or harm to anyone else. All i asked for was that the girl and I should be together. It would have been an insignificantly simple thing for The Lord to do, He who supports the Universe with but a fraction of His power. And, it would have meant so much to me. It would have brought so much light into my life. But instead of things getting any better, it has been downhill all the way for the past few months. For some inexplicable reason, she has drifted so far away from me, that she even hesitates to speak to me now. We no longer share the same office, so I dont even see her much these days. Incidents in the past week have strongly suggested that the chances, of my ever being successful with her, are approximately zero. -------------------------------- (1) I dont understand what I did wrong. Is it because I asked The Lord for something due to selfish motives? Is it because my request was of a shallow and material nature? Is it because I strayed away from The Lord for nearly 3 years. I dont understand. He is supposed to be an endless ocean of Infinite Mercy. What did I do to not deserve His Mercy? ----------------- (2) For the past one week, my mind has been in great turmoil. I am feeling things that I should never feel. I feel a strong sense of betrayal and abandonement by the Lord. It is very, very wrong, I know, but I am not able to help it. There are phases of clarity in which my mind is completely calm and connected with Sri Venkateswara and Sri Ranganatha (my favourite Deity), with no worries about anything in the past or present. I have to quell this straying of my mind, because I am not even able to say my prayers. Even as blasphemous as it seems to say it I am developing negative thoughts towards the Lord. I do not want that to happen. I cannot let that happen. It is simply not acceptable. I need to regain my faith in the Lord. I want my calm phase of mind to be prevalent. Please suggest something. I would be grateful for any advice. If you could also answer (1), it would be very helpful. ---- I feel much better after I have finished typing this post because I have to get it out of my system. Even if nobody reads it fully, it is fine.