emjemama

Dear List, I am a new member to this forum, having never posted before. This site I found on a google search for Ammachi. This particular community of people is perhaps the most intelligent and compassionate that I've seen on-line. There is such a respect for one another that I admire, and so I am delighted to share with and learn from you all. As a born traveler, my journey has taken me many places in both this country and abroad. I've been blessed and burdened with the knowledge of what is outside of my immediate surroundings. It is to this global perspective that I credit my ever ending unsatisfaction with humanity with specific regard to the way we treat our fellow brothers and sisters. There is so much pain and suffering that goes ignored, so much exacerbated discord stemming from racial, religious and even socioeconomic differences. It's hard not to become saddened, even angered, by such circumstances. Both my husband and I, independent of each other, have sought spiritual wisdom from unconventional sources. I was not raised in a religious household, though I always have said my father is a devotee of the dollar. It was this lack of soul food the led me initially on my individual quest. I've read the writings of many profound and enlightened souls and am a better person for this knowledge. But for every verse I have read, there are dozens that I haven't. I yearn so desperately for that which will quench my thirst for truth.... In late fall 2002, after having been married just four short months, my husband and I were thrilled to be expecting our first child. At that point in my life, I was familiarizing myself with the concept and various incarnations of the Divine Mother. My own mother, a wounded and fragile individual incapacitated by her emotional underdevelopment, had not supplied me with the skill set needed to succeed as an adult, let alone a parent. Quan Yinh occupied the focus of my meditations as I would call upon the Source to fill me with the certainty that I could be the parent--the mother--I've always wanted to be. Such a daunting task in this the age of dissipating values and social standards. It was then I first became aware of Amma. A person with whom I am no longer in contact recommended that my husband and I attend a darshan being held at a hotel in Los Angeles. She said that this woman, Ammachi, was the incarnation of the Divine Mother and that she would receive and hug all who presented themselves to her. Admittedly, I was skeptical. I was raised in LA, in Hollywood no less, where skepticism is on par with survival. But I do beleive in wisdom in all its many forms. Who am I to question the Creator? So to Warner Center we headed.... We were surprised at the mass of people congregated in the lobby and ballroom of this corporate hotel. We both consider ourselves to be open-minded, free thinking, and well versed people but we were obviously among the last to board the Amma Love Train. I find this most interesting seeing as though neither of us speak to our birth "mothers". It's almost as if She knew we couldn't comprehend the depth or necessity of a Mother's Love and Embrace until we were on the brink of becoming parents ourselves. Having arrived late into the program, it was unclear whether or not we would actually get to see Amma. Many people that had arrived before us were being turned away as Amma had been receiving people for nearly 18 hours. I was due to give birth in a little over a week, and was understandably uncomfortable. It was then that a woman in a sari approached us and asked if we had been hugged yet. We told her that we hadn't, and that we didn't yet have a number. No more numbers were available, she told us, but that Amma would be delighted if we would wait just a few minutes on the side of the stage. She would like to offer us her blessings! We waited just a short time before we were escorted on to the stage and placed together at Amma's feet. To this day, I still remember how sweet she smelled, like patchouli and sandalwood. My husband had about as profound a reaction as one could when encountering a saint, being reduced to floods of tears. I am not so available, a much more guarded person. But I have never been hugged like that before. It was quick, almost like a blur. We were given rose petals and Amma touched my bulging belly while handing me an apple. The same woman that led us to the stage told me that the apple was for the baby, that I was to eat it and all the love with which it was endowded would be sent straight to my unborn child. What an apple it was. And those rose petals I still have, pressed between the pages of my son's baby book. Being overwhelmed with being a new parent, I wasn't as dilligent as I would like to have been in learning all I could about Amma and her remarkable story. Then, suddenly, the person who first informed me of Amma and I had a fallout and haven't spoken since. This caused me much sorrow and shrouded my vision of Amma with hurt and confusion. I'm delicate and scar easily. I wanted to distance myself from this person and all that reminded me of her. I felt that Amma was her guru, and that I would find my own. Since, I have maintained a steady meditation practice, though absent of Amma's sweet face. Every now and again, she would peek in, but I wouldn't pay much mind. At the beginning of this year, pregnant with my second child, my husband bought for me a prenatal yoga video with Collette Crawford. To my surprise, at the end of the video, Collette thanks her Guru--Mata Amritanandamayi! I recognized that name. It was the first that I had heard of Amma independent of my former friend. I continued practicing with Collette's video throughout the duration of my second pregnancy. All the while, the vision of Amma grew stonger and more clear in my mind's eye. My daughter arrived at the end of May, bringing with her an intense longing to be once again enveloped in the precious embrace of Mother. There is so much about her that I don't know, so I began searching on-line as my first line of investigation. I was lead to the website Amma.org where I found the most perfect of all quotations. When asked to which religion Amma herself ascribed, she responded that "love and compassion are my religion." At last, the simplest seed of truth. Of course she would say love and compassion, she is the hugging saint. And what a lesson it has been to realize all the while my relationship with my former friend was meant to exemplify this concept. I must have love and compassion for all, from strangers to those that I have been most hurt by. I know now that this path is intended for me, regardless of how I first came to know of its existence. This is only reaffirmed by the arrival of a magazine at my lunch table yesterday complete with a full page color picture of Amma wearing the most beautiful smile on her face. It's as if she's saying to me, "Child, be lost no more. Accept me, forgive, forget and move forward." I desire to learn all that I can, and to initiate that which I learn into my daily life. I wish for my children to grow up in a world where they first see the beauty in humanity, not its shortcomings. I know that in order for this to be possible, I must first bring these tenets to the forefront of my daily life. And that begins with my own interpersonal relationships being healed. And so it is with a humbled heart and an open mind that I submit myself to this next phase of my journey. I ask for guidance, for recommended readings and words of wisdom from any and all who wish to share their experiences with me. It is with sincere appreciation that I receive your comments and suggestions. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I am so pleased to have shared it with you. Hugs to everyone!