rohini_nakshatra

Dear Sasisekaranji, your words itself are acting like a soothing balm. I feel that you understand my problem. You are very right, many times in my life I feel like a lone warrior fighting to stick by my principles. It is not a physical fight or even a verbal fight, it is a fight in my mind to do what I feel is the right thing. This is something I have faced many times in my life, in many different kind of situations, and I have won almost always. I have always defeated my enemies/rivals in the end just by my dedication and following my principles. This is the first time that the situation is so complicated since it is not a competitor, but my teacher who is involved. It can ruin my entire efforts of four long years. I see it as a test of faith.

Right now my mind if very confused, and I see no way out of this dilemma/ 'dharma sankat' as I like to call it. On the one hand he is my teacher, so I cannot disrespect him. And on the other hand, I cannot do something that I know is only going to ruin my future. (I am being used as a pawn right now).

I have so many planets in marana karaka sthana in my horoscope, and although I don't understand the effects completely, all I know is that the pain they inflict makes me feel like I am dying! I noticed mercury's dasha at the time I came to USA. It was a very bad time of my life. Ironically, ketu's antardasha was a very blissful and spiritually uplifting period. In fact, it was the best phase in my entire life until now. All my past hurts got washed away. Then venus dasha started, and again all the joy got sucked out of my life.

At least I could not have imagined Rahu-Ketu dasha being so good. Moon MD was OK (dont remember much since i was just a child), while Mars MD required a lot of hard work to defeat my rivals (whom I finally defeated in Rahu-Rahu). And these are both exalted planets in my chart. Perhaps their role was character building rather than giving happiness.

Your words that I should wait and let these days pass match my own gut feeling. I am praying very sincerely every waking moment for some solution to this problem.

Dear Sasisekaran ji,

thanks so much for your inputs. It is difficult to view oneself objectively, but I will try as much as possible to answer your questions honestly. The first date of classes was Aug 24th. I landed in USA on Aug 8th.

To my knowledge, the only time I have displeased my guide was when I went home to India. However, I made up for it by working very hard before and after the trip. The way I see it, my family is my first priority, and going back to India every 1-2 years is something I cannot avoid, since my mother misses me too much. (and I miss them too). But other than that, I have never disrespected him, or gone against his wishes, as I have a deeply ingrained respect for teachers. My mother is a teacher, and this is something that is inherent to my nature. I have always been a very good student, very respectful, and always my teachers favorite. but no matter what I do, i cannot please my guide.

Other than that, the big problem is the communication gap between me and the guide. One issue is the gender. He is much more communicative with the guys in the lab. Another big problem is my inability to do flattery. I am just not able to do it. Neither am I able to praise my own work or put myself in the limelight.

recently, i am learning (from other students who worked under him) that it is his strategy to pay less, and give negative feedback to students so that he can get more work out of them. he also shows as if he is very democratic and will listen to you, but in fact he will make you do only what he wants (all this would have been ok in India, but in USA a different kind of work environment exists, and that is the reason I came here). he also does not let anyone graduate early. The longer they take, the more desperate they become, and the more they are ready to work like a slave for him.

Now this is something I cannot take. I have the utmost respect for my teachers, and for the past 4 years I kept trying to work in spite of all difficulties, just to not disappoint him. But what I cannot take is this selfishness and manipulation. recently, this situation has worsened, and there is so much politics going on, that I see him lying to my face. There is a deep disillusionment that has set in, and I feel a virakti/detachment from everything. I can not see why I should continue with my studies. All I want to do is quit and go back to India.

I am not one to get angry very fast. If I ever do, it is with ppl who are close to me, and my anger hardly lasts 5 minutes. It takes a lot to make me angry, and very little to cool me down. With strangers I don't get angry, unless I feel I need to protect myself/my interests. My anger is the sort where I just burst into tears, unable to say a single thing. I am never able to give smart retorts or insult other people.

Anyways, this is my story. sorry that it got so long. If only I can figure out what lesson is there for me to learn. It is my sincere belief that all of our life's events are supposed to teach us something, and if we miss that lesson, then the cycle of negative events will repeat until u get the message. Once the lesson is learnt, the troubles also gradually disappear.

btw, there is some confusion regarding my navamsa lagna. With different ayanamsa, or even a time difference of 20 seconds with lahiri ayanamsa, it changes. Which one are you getting?

Webyogiji,

yes I am waiting for the moon to enter a more auspicious state, may be by next monday. This monday did not seem not good, and you confirmed it.

thanks

rohini_nakshatra

Aum Gurubhyo Namah

 

namaste

 

dear rohini_nakshatra,

 

ninth lord guru is in close quarters with saturn., just minutes away.

saturn pollutes guru. Guru is in marana karaka sthana from lagna

and in bhadaka shetra to the ninth house of 'teacher'.

 

worship Lord Dakshinamoorthy daily, with utmost faith that he would

help you.

 

venus bhuthi is on. it is placed in sixth from dasa lord rahu as well as karka

lagna. venus is marana karaka sthana from lagna, the seat of dhi sakthi.

venus is placed in eight from moon placed in taurus, the paka lagna.

paka lagna shows the application of intelligence. hence , you

apply your intelligence properly and level headedly handle the situation.

prayer and calmness of mind is essential

 

 

may mother bless all

 

sasisekaran

Thank you Sasisekaran ji,

That is exactly what is missing. I am not able to think clearly and plan about things properly. Emotions like fear or anger are clouding my judgment.

I did not understand what you said about venus being in 8th from Paka Lagna. So I am capable of dealing with things level headedly? (this is my biggest fear right now, that I may not be able to do this).

Do you also look at things from the perspective of transits? I just know basic astrology, and not the application. If I look at transits right now, my moon is under the influence of transiting Saturn, Jupiter and Rahu. Is that the reason why my mind is so restless and I am so confused?

I am doing meditation since 3 weeks, and it has helped me a lot to become more calm and centered. But still can not see things very clearly and decide what to do. I have left things in the hands of God right now.

Is there any scope of any spiritual progress happening during this period?

rohini_nakshatra

Thanks Webyogiji for your clear explanations and answers. I have taken off the coral for the time being. I am waiting for an auspicious day to wear the pearl. (this monday the moon will be waning and in scorpio.) I didn't take off the pukhraj as I feel it gives me a sense of peace.

This has been one of the toughest periods of my life, because of no clear cut sense of what to do. When you know what to do, where to go, then no matter how difficult it is, one can still bear it. This has been a very confusing period of my life.

Webyogi ji, please tell me when my phd can be completed? can it happen by the end of this venus dasha ?

Thank you Webyogi ji,

Is there any mantra with which to worship Lord Shiva?

I feel a connection to Lord Krishna and Shiva. Earlier in my life I always felt strongly towards Vishnuji. Recently(during this Venus dasha) I have also turned to meditation.

I have a real (uncultured) pearl pendant but it is in gold, can i wear that?

I am also a vegetarian and always have been.

I am wearing a red coral pendant and a pukhraj ring, is that fine?

Venus being the Lord of education, do you think that this period of Venus can confer the degree, in spite of the hardships? You mentioned donation on Saturdays and Tuesdays. Is that because of Shani transit to Moon? pardon me, since I am also trying to learn astrology, so I am curious to know.

Hi,

I am very depressed. My progress in phd has been very slow, in spite of me being a very good student. I joined in Aug 2005, and now it is going to be 4 years, and no end in sight. I am directionless. My advisor does not give me any guidance. In fact, now he does not want to fund me during summer, and wants me to go on internship. There is also a lot of politics going on, and I am helpless to watch, my future is not in my hands but in the hands of people who don't care about anyone but themselves. For the past some time I am seriously thinking about quitting.

Please show me some way, I am really at the end of the road.

My birth details: 16th Jan 1981, 5:34 pm, Lucknow, India.

Dear Sasisekaranji,

pardon me for my stupid question. I realize it now. I should have used my common sense.

Thanks a lot for your understanding.

I have another horoscope of a friend, who is separated from her husband, but not legally divorced as yet. I will ask her the dates etc and then post it here.

Thanks

Thank you Sasisekaranji,

my concepts of UL and AL are not very clear. I need to read about them more, before being able to completely understand your in-depth analysis. Coolgimmy's questions are really helpful in this regard.

I will ask the lady to do the remedies. I hope there is no special ritual to be followed before doing them. For example, do they need to be done at some particular time of day? Also, when you say 432 times recitation of the mantra, does it mean daily, or on mondays, or just once?

If this is a real example from the alamanc, then it seems incorrect. At 4:30 pm, there will be some particular sign on the eastern horizon, and a sign 6 signs away on the western horizon. during one month, this will change by 1 sign. How can Jupiter travel 5 signs (or seven) during one month?!! At least this is what i have understood about the movement of zodiac thru the skies.

Dear Sasiserkaranji,

here are the dates you asked for:

4th March, 1990 marriage

26th Nov 1990 birth of daughter

26th Sept 1996 She came to US

April 2003 - Caught her husband cheating

July 2003- Separation (started living apart)

June 2005 - divorce

June 2006 - moved to different city to start residency program in oral pathology

The lady is divorced. The husband was very cunning. He moved to a different state, where the divorce laws were partial towards the man, and divorced her from there. she didn't have the money to even get a lawyer or go to that state and attend the hearing. the judge spoke to her on the phone, and divorce was finalized. She did not even attempt to fight for more alimony or to get the loans removed from her name which were actually due to her husband.

now her only hope is that she gets a decent job after graduating next year.

Sasisekaran ji, please see if she has any hope in this regard. And could you also tell what mantra of shiva ji would be most beneficial? She is from Sikh religion, but she will do any mantras/puja. Also, she is wearing a pukhraj, altho not of very good quality.

Sasisekaranji,

what is the meaning of the word 'masaana' ? does it mean burial grounds (shamshaan) ? why is UL in makara considered bad?

Talking about karakamsa.

I do have artistic abilities (painting, decorating, sometimes write poetry, I learned a lot of arts and crafts at a very early age, and shocked everyone when I was stitching clothes for my dolls when I was 5-6, and was knitting by the time i was 7. Does this come under venus, or is it moon or mercury? i can't dance though. and what planet would give a passion for cooking?

what are the talents and abilities given by rahu, mercury and moon?

Could venus in the navamsa indicate tht the birth was due to devi's ashirvaad? This is a very vague idea of mine and i dont know if it has any validity. my sister has venus in her navamsa lagna, and my mother is a devotee of durgaji. My mom also has moon as AK in gemini navamsa, so venus indicates her ishta devata.

Namaste Shashikaranji,

 

As mentioned by you in the earlier post, Karkamsha is the sign occupied by Atmakaraka in navamsha. Do we read the rashi chart with reference to the sign occupied by navamsha or we read the navamsha only with reference to karkamsha? I am confused in this issues? Same query is about the lagnamsha do we read in rashi or navamsha with sign occupied by lagna lord. I dont know but the navamsha cud have a greater contribution towards the divorce compared to rashi. I dont know whether the following observations are correct to what extent but in Navamsha:

 

1. Atmakaraka and Darakaraka have a 6/8relationship plus being natural enemies.

 

2.Jupiter significator of husband is in 8th house.

 

3. Debiliated venus is afflicted with nodes, saturn and mars in navamsha.

 

I dont know whether the above are included in the rules of astrology or not. Please confirm.

 

Regards/

 

Coolgimmy

I need to tell you that birth time has a margin of 5 minute error. So i am not sure how accurate the navamsa lagna is. It is possible tht navamsa lagna is aries, making venus the 7th lord.

Thank you once again Sasisekaran ji.

Knowing this lady personally, I feel that the maximum damage is coming from the curse on venus. I have not seen too many charts, but i think a more severe curse would be hard to find. Mars, Shani curse in Rashi as well as navamsa. Shani is yuti in both. Venus is also the AK. The nodes occupy the 1-7 axis, and conjoin 7th L. Further, venus is in debilitation in the navamsa.

I feel that being the Atmakaraka, Venus has blocked a lot of things in her life. This lady's story is very sad. She is a dentist by profession, and has one daughter. She got married when she was 25. Her husband was not good to her from day one. She had a daughter within one year of marriage. He decided to come to the USA for higher studies. She left her job in India and came with her daughter. She worked many menial jobs to support her husband financially. Finally when her husband was about to graduate, she discovered that he had been cheating on her. She left him immediately. Her husband completely used her financially. All the loans were in her name. She is still paying them to this day. She doesn't even get any alimony, while he earns a lot being a dentist in USA. Daughter initially stayed with her. But her father enticed her with money and she also left her. Her own parents didn't support her through all these hardships. She also has bad luck with friends/relatives turning out to stab her in the back. her biggest sorrow is that her daughter is not staying with her and she is living alone.

From my novice point of view, Sun, Me, Sa, Ma, Ju are quite well placed. Even the nodes are in their exaltation rashis. Nothing explains such a sad life. Being so highly qualified, she had to work 3 jobs at a time, that too as a waitress etc. With these planets well placed in kendras or swa-sthana/exaltation, there should have been at least something good in her life.

In fact, I have been reading about remedies for her, as I feel very sad about her situation. Now after so many years, she is pursuing higher studies, and is worried about a job. Her financial situation is not good. Could you please suggest something.

Dear Sasisekaran ji,

thanks for your detailed answers. I need more experience to get a feel for all these factors. Whether sun and ketu cause curse or not. I hope I didn't offend you by giving conflicting views to your own.

Actually, I have the same navamsa lagna problem in my chart, and don't know how to rectify it. So rahu in lagna can cause a caesarian birth. does venus in navamsa lagna also cause anything specific? What about the other planets. Does Mars or Saturn in navamsa lagna cause difficult birth, for example?

Another reason for confusion is that there is ambiguity in the meaning for swamsa. in some places it means navamsa lagna, in some it means karakamsa. How to distinguish between abilities shown from navamsa lagna, and those from atmakaraka in navamsa? It is very difficult to differentiate. I have been trying for so long to correct my birthtime, but since it is my own it is almost impossible to be objective.

Sasisekaran ji, I have a request. I know many details about the person whose chart I have given, as case 3. Can we discuss that chart while we are waiting for the details for the other ones?

many thanks

rohini

I have a slightly combust mercury (10 degree away) and unath's quoted article of it applies very strongly for me. I feel embarrassed to ask people for money which they owe me. I have lost a lot of money because of that. I also have difficulty asking for help of any kind. I let people walk all over me, and have a hard time saying no.

But i have a very good memory. (not for trivial things tho...like movie scenes or dialogs, which i can never remember). It is especially helpful in academic settings. I have a brain that is logical and organized, and i never have to memorize stuff. once it gets lodged in my mind in a logical fashion, i don't forget it. I also am a voracious reader with very wide ranging knowledge. No taste for news/sports/politics though, only in gathering knowledge about arts/sciences.

'It seems not so astrologocally.The duration between rise and set is too long.'

I didnt understand your question. Can you give an example?

Hi Anusha,

thanks

Dear Sasisekaranji,

thanks you for your inputs. I have some further questions, which I have written in bold.

Om gurubhyo namah

 

namaste

 

dear shri. rohini_nakshtra

 

sun is placed along with two sowmya grahas jupiter and mercury which

is good. but sun has gone to a bhadaka sthana. mercury is sowmya,

but for matters relating to fifth house, it is a maraka also.

 

is sun's placement in kumbha also considered bad, apart from it being in 11th house which is badhaka sthan for this lagna?

 

sat, mar and rahu aspects falling on the fifth is totally bad.

as you rightly said, yes fifth matters is very important to this person.

but how far it has helped this person is a question mark. apart from

children, the fifth shows future. so many combined influences makes

the person indecisive or oscillating between good and bad. if this

person is personally known to sow.anusha , it will be useful in

understanding this chart. the chart to me is a complex one.

Is this because 5th house represents 'dhi' ?

 

the navamsa lagna falls on the border. if lagna shifts to mesha in navamsa

then the person's dharmic nature changes completly.

how do we interpret the chart when the navamsa lagna is uncertain? In such cases, would it be a safe practice to choose the lagna which is ahead in the zodiac? Because if the soul wanted to incarnate in the previous lagna, it had plenty of time (12 min) to do so. May be the soul was waiting for the navamsa lagna to change? How do we rectify the navamsa lagna?

 

can sow.anusha verify if the birth of this person was normal ? or cesarian.

What is the significance of the type of birth?

 

venus is definetly under curse. see venus is pitrikaraka. without the

blessings of pitris, one will not have lineage.

So venus is causing much harm, by blocking marriage as well as children.

 

mars placement in second , gives disturbances in family life. harsh words

could be one reason.

 

may mother bless all

 

regards

 

sasisekaran

Some unrelated questions are:

What ayanamsa do you use for calculations?

Do you use true nodes or mean nodes?

I recently downloaded the software Jagannath Hora, and I found that placement of some key planets changes due to these in my own horoscope.

Also, for purpose of finding curse, do you take only Saturn, Mars and Rahu or also Sun and Ketu?

Although I am still learning, I feel that if we also take sun and ketu, then everyone's horoscope will have some curse or other. i feel tht curse is a very loaded word, and should only be used to denote very severe affliction and not any minor negative influence. I feel that they are only weakly malefic, and are more like kroor graha rather than asubha graha. I also read that Saturn represents sorrow, mars anger, and rahu shock, which this person caused to spouse/mother/father etc etc. Due to these strong emotions generated, the person got a curse from them. With sun and ketu, its more difficult to identify any strong emotion which would bring the curse upon the individual.

Please let me know you opinion about these matters.

rohini (btw i am a girl )

Dear Sasisekaran ji,

Thanks for helping us beginners to learn the principles for horoscope analysis. It is very difficult to apply correctly all the methods given in books, without the guidance of a learned astrologer.

Did you say that child bearing might have been an issue because of the drishti of the 3 malefics Ma, Sa and Ra ? 5th lord Sun aspects the house itself from kumbha, is that good or bad? Would the drishti of Jupiter and Merc help in this case? (I have the feeling that the entire focus of this chart is the 5th house, with so many planets aspecting it. Would it be correct to say that having children is very important to this native? or that 5th house matters become a focus in his life. )

In the navamsa, Venus is yuti Mars and Rahu. I have also read that Venus in 12th house in navamsa gives disinterest in getting marriied. Considering that Venus is lord of 7th house, and has drishti of Rahu in rashi too, with Mars placed in Taurus, would you consider it as a curse on venus?

What would the aspect of Mars (8th L) posited in 2nd house and aspecting 8th house do? Does it have any impact on marriage or divorce?

Thanks for your time and patience in guiding us

rohini_nakshatra

Hi Anusha,

I am a learner like you. Can I also participate in this discussion, and contribute some charts?

Here is one chart of a divorcee (woman) :

11th Jan, 1964. Time of birth: 6:00 am, Place: Sangrur, Punjab

This janma shani/sadhe sati thing is interesting. There is another poster who is undergoing it, who had a breakup and wants to reconcile with the guy. And then there is shakthi. And then there was me

Shakthi, one thing I must tell you about my experience with Shani, since I have gone through my sadhe sati. (well, atleast tht is my personal experience). If Shani has decided to cause separation between you and your husband, then it is pretty much final. It is better to accept it as God's will and move on. The more you resist, the worse the situation will become. Finally, circumstances will force you to accept the reality.

It is good to think of a spiritual path, but keep in mind that no one has seen the future. It doesn't matter whose horoscope 'caused' the problems, (my personal opinion about this is tht it only shows that you are the one affected more by this separation, while it did not have much emotional impact on your husband....and not that it was your planets tht 'caused' the trouble....it also means that you are the one who is supposed to learn some lesson from all this and move towards more maturity). Anyways, it is best to leave decisions like second marriage etc in God's hands, rather than trying to be 'heroic' or 'martyr' and continuing to struggle against God's wishes.

In the end you must remember tht not a leaf moves without God's wish, and that whatever happens, happens for good. you yourself are saying tht your husband may be a bad person. that's a starting point. husband is not God, he is only a human being. give your 100% allegience to God, and all your dilemmas will be solved.

Hi,

can you clarify what format you have written the DOB of her husband in? dd-mm-yy or mm-dd-yy ?

Mr Om123,

the reason i posted the above article is that there are many similarities between your narrative and the patterns normally associated with physical abuse. Notice the statements made by your friend:

"Every 2-3 months her husband beats her and abuses her." Domestic abuse usualyl occurs in 'cycles'. It is not like the abuser constantly abuses the victim. This is partly to protect himself (if he abuses constantly, the victim is likely to escape and/or take police action). This is also so that the victim continues to believe that her husband loves him..."She told me that she forgives him all the time because except this bad temperament and beating habit, he is a good person !" You see, this is exactly what he wants...he wants her to believe that if she does this and that and that, he would be good to her. But it never happens! It is only a drama. He knows that he will abuse her again. This is just to make her believe that he 'can be' nice to her if she satisfies all the conditions he sets for her.

He does it in cycles, and after every cycle of abuse, your friend's morale goes lower and lower. She will always be in a state of confusion, because she gets these mixed messages from her husband....he beats her, but sometimes is very nice to her. she will never be able to decide whether she should leave him or forgive him.

"I know him also, he is good in society, no one can guess that he is a monster at home ! "

This is what abusers are expert at- getting the support of society. They are experts at playing mind games. They can appear very normal in front of other people, so that they believe that it is all the wife's fault.

"My friend is scared for her life because when he is angry he doesn't know what he talks or does ! " This is the hallmark of physical abuse, this is the one thing that determines that it is not a normal relationship. in normal relationships, husbands(or wife) get angry and then cool off. no one person is constantly afraid of the other person.

"She tells me that she doesn't like to have any physical relation with her husband becuse of his abusive behaviour." Sexual abuse is often part and parcel of such abusive relationships. May be, she was not able to be as frank with you on this. He might be hurting her physically before/during sex.

"She tried the suggestions you have given her but she tells me that his attitude towards her is still bad and that's the reason she has lost interest in sex, she is just giving it for the sake of saving the marriage !" And trust me, it never will. Abusers never change. They just get better at hiding their abusive behavior from others, and putting up a mask of normality.

Anyways, I have said what I wanted to say. the rest is upto you and your friend. I sincerely wish the best for her, and pray she has some relief.

I am posting this material here from this website:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

I know that this may not be received positively by most of the people here, but I feel it is my duty to do so. One of my close friends has gone through this, and I know that domestic violence/physical abuse can be a real threat to a woman's safety.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over his wife or partner.

Violent Behavior is an Abuser's Choice

Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:

• He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
  
• If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
  
• The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

Spousal abuse and battery are used for one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. In addition to physical violence, abusers use the following tactics to exert power over their wives or partners:

• Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.
  
• 
  
• Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
  
• Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN
  
• Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
  
• Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
  
• Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.

Cycle of violence

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

• 
  
• Abuse — The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim "who is boss."
  
• Guilt — After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not over what he's done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.
  
• Rationalization or excuses — The abuser rationalizes what he's done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior—anything to shift responsibility from himself.
  
• "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
  
• Fantasy and planning — The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing his victim again, spending a lot of time thinking about what she's done wrong and how he'll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
  
• Set-up — The abuser sets up the victim and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing her.

SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
  
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
  
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
  
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
  
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
  
• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper?
  
• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
  
• threaten to take your children away or harm them?
  
• threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
  
• force you to have sex?
  
• destroy your belongings?
  
• act excessively jealous and possessive?
  
• control where you go or what you do?
  
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
  
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
  
• constantly check up on you?

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