Diary of a fallen soul

[Pankaja_Dasa 1]

 

 

Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare

Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare

Krishna Consciousness Diary of 2005

by Pankaja dasa

Started on the 6 January

 

I hope this can help me, in my path to self-realization.

 

Thursday, 06 January 2005

Been few days now since I had to internet connection. This basically means no devotee association. Its not easy at all to remain enthusiastic in KC without this. In fact I would say its impossible. I listen to Prabhupada lectures and conversations which makes my heart purified. I just miss telling devotees about them! Talking about Krishna, saying oh yeah I read this etc. Getting a PM from a 'weird devotee' and smiling. My ego really likes to think it's a great devotee. Hello Mr.Neophyte anybody home.?! I can say for sure all devotees have good qualities. I seem to think every practising devotee is cent percent KC. They not! That's why they are IN KC you fool! Haribol.

 

 

Friday, 07 January 2005

Today is day after Ekadasi. Guess what I didn't fast. I am thinking there is nobody quite a bona-fide pretender {and very good at it} such as myself. I prayed to Sri Guru and Gauranga to forgive me. I realize I need to give up sinful activities but these desires in my heart arise from lust, what can I do? Chant? Maybe?

 

 

Saturday, 08 January 2005

Today I am thinking how I will do 64 rounds on Monday. Had an almighty row with my parents, they want me to get a job. I am looking. When I had a job they never said nice job son etc. They only wish to please themselves. One other thing my mum said she thinks every God is one etc. I am thinking I really should not eat food she offers. I should offer myself. This is unfortunately what I have to do. Even though I tried to explain about Tattva. She still holds onto these beliefs. She is very materialistic but would anybody ever admit? Wrote a long e-mail to a devotee. Hope to send later when I get connected.

 

 

Sunday, 09 January 2005

Still thinking about yesterday, where did I go wrong in life? Questions on a postcard to 'karma'. I think believing in God makes you weird. Looking around I'd say almost everybody is an atheist. We all profess to know God and are following our path. Why pretend? I watched this thing on TV about Christians on Friday, I was thinking these people have good chance to know Krishna. Why are they throwing it away? I met this one Christian who said its not possible to be pure. He asked me if I ever looked lustfully at a girl. This is same thing a Muslim said to me once. VERY curious. If you think you can't ever be pure. Then it's a free ticket to 'lust land' come satisfy your lust. We know you can never be pure!

 

 

Monday, 10 January 2005

Today I was meant to start 64 rounds! I didn't! I will try on Wednesday. I always do this, I say I will chant then I don't. One devotee told me everybody does this at some point in their life. But I learnt one good lesson I lack enthusiasm. I remember when I was an alcoholic/smoking/TV couch potato. Ok I gave up 2/3. Not that I want to be entangled in material life, but its not so bad. I am getting used to the overwhelming feelings of loneliness. I smile at this remembering the verse from Bhagavad-gita 2.14. I remember Queen Kunti who wanted miseries so she could see Lord Krishna. I like to forget Krishna. Anyway if I could just remember who is the controller. I read something profound today about Krishna it said He demands surrender. But Gaura gives mercy freely. I feel like I want to surrender to Gaura, when I see Krishna I don't really think I want to. Its like Lord Gauranga qualities are so attractive that you can't help yourself. Not sure I think Krishna is hiding something from me. So I am attracted more to Gaura. Gaura is Krishna yeah we know 'Oh mind', but that's the secret keep it in ignorance it will never know it surrendered!!!!!

 

 

Tuesday, 11 January 2005

Today I am writing this early, I am preparing for Wednesday when I do magic 64. Still wondering how it will feel, I have no idea until I do it. I feel bad because I still have no association. I feel I need to get on and chant, and Guru will help me. Yesterday I put Pancha-tattva, Goswamins/Prahlada and Narasimhadeva picture back up. Before it was BV Puri Maharaja/Prabhupada and Gurus and top just Gaura-Nitai. I thought I would make it simple. But no matter, the more the merrier! I thought might as well have them all assembled together. Gaura-Nitai looked lonely without their associates. I still don't have Sri Radha-Krsna in alter room.

 

I showed this devotee the picture I have of them. He said they looked so young, I Never even noticed! But they look so wonderful. I am wondering what service I could possibly do for them. Then I just thought I need to serve my Gurudeva. I read this really interesting thing it said Prabhupada said we should pray to Sri Radha for Krishna service. But another Acaraya in our disicplic succession says we should pray to Krishna for Sri Radha service! I thought that was really funny.

 

 

Wednesday, 12 January 2005

I made a vow yesterday to start on Monday 17 January 2005! I will start 100cent! I knew I would do this. I will try to prep from Saturday. I can't say either way how difficult it will be, but even Buddhists meditate for hours on end. Situation I am in I will have to wear ear-plugs and a towel over my head. This is the only way as Gauranga Mahaprabhu says. If you are convinced you should be able to start right away, but sense gratification and fruitive activity is so strong it will 'make' you Not want to chant. I have discovered this. Also to keep the vow of your Gurudeva should be your life. Life means life not any prerequisite to enquire into the mind what rascal gratification it can think of to do next. 'Next' now that's a good realisation. We are eternal and thinking about 'next'.

 

I was thinking about Jesus Christ again and thinking how they don't follow. I will try not to listen to people who don't follow Christ rules. I am sure if they did they could know Krishna. But they don't! CHRIST-krsna. Jesus was representative of God. {Krishna}. Why don't they enquire into Krsna. Guru is one, representative of Krishna. So is it bad to go to representative of God? Jesus preached according to time and place. See the mentality they put Jesus on cross for preaching. Anyway, I remember Christ and see how much he suffered for everybody. So we are also sons of God. Least we can do is try to preach and FOLLOW! Pankaja dasa talking to myself. I also discovered how lucky I am to be living in this Yuga, even in Satya/Treta/Dvapara-yuga's Mahaprabhu didn't give mercy but now we have so much. So I think I may have performed many sacrifices to come to this yuga, even though its degraded still that just means we may achieve even more mercy!!! How? Serve Gurudeva and Gauranga, and don't forget Lord Nityananda!

 

 

Thursday, 13 January 2005

Still wondering about starting to chant. I can see I am not progressing in anyway. Simply being pretender. I remember verse from Gita it says

 

"Out of compassion for them, I, dwelling in their hearts, destroy with the shining lamp of knowledge the darkness born of ignorance." Bg.10.11.

 

I can feel Krishna within my heart when this happens. Even though I am being such a rascal, Krishna is being so merciful. I don't know how lucky I am to come across Bhagavad-gita by Prabhupada years ago. I do believe the only thing keeping me alive is KC. Otherwise I don't see any point in life. I still have feelings of loneliness this is due to lack of chanting and association. I absolutely love listening to conversations of Srila Prabhupada. Can't put my finger on why exactly. But anything that makes me enthusiastic for Krishna, is a good thing. I do think I developed a taste for it. This taste is what I need to develop. Like I like Pizzas. I could eat them everyday. Anyway, while making KC sites I devolved this taste, just sitting and listening I developed. Now I need to follow.

 

Disciple means discipline. -

 

" Even though Haridasa was born of a Muhammadan family, Advaita Prabhu offered him the first dish of prasada after the performance of a sacred fire ceremony. Haridasa Thakura informed him that he was born of a Muhammadan family and asked why Advaita Prabhu was offering the first dish to a Muhammadan instead of an elevated brahmana. Out of his humbleness, Haridasa condemned himself a Muhammadan, but Advaita Prabhu, being an experienced devotee, accepted him as a real brahmana. Advaita Prabhu asserted that by offering the first dish to Haridasa Thakura, he was getting the result of feeding one hundred thousand brahmanas. The conclusion is that if one can feed a brahmana or Vaisnava, it is better than performing hundreds of thousands of sacrifices. In this age, therefore, it is recommended that harer nama [Adi 17.21]-chanting the holy name of God-and pleasing the Vaisnava are the only means to elevate oneself to spiritual life. SB 3.16.8 Purport.

 

I can't believe its so simple. Please Guru by chanting is better than performing hundreds of thousands of sacrifices. So simple yet so difficult to grasp. Guru is pleased when we chant -japa/kirtan. Because Krishna is pleased when we chant.

 

Writing again, listening to Prabhupada lecture. I seem to always like to do 2 things at once, the mind is like that I guess. Chanting and walking is best for me, I saw Prabhupada doing the same. So this helps to concentrate on the mantra, because the mind has to concentrate on something least it will on mantra, and walking will maybe make the mind still some how. Walking mind... on the path of Vrindavana Hare Krishna Mantra. Exercise your mind chant! Make it strong and pure! Sounds really ludicrous to anybody who hasn't chanted ever, but who cares for them. Like I said before we invent too many ideas with our material mind.

 

Faith-keeping this is difficult because mind is always accepting/rejecting. Constantly, this is a great problem I can only think purity will keep it 'right'. Otherwise why reject? So we have only Vedas which is right so we should accept this at least. This is faith, nobody can deny except somebody with dull mind.

 

Ego-all I have to do is change, no need to get rid of Ego. Just spiritualise it. So this is the perfect science. Makes perfect sense. Just dovetail the ego towards Krsna. And become Krishna servant Not Servant of material senses. And senses when pure is Hrishkeha {Krishna-master of the senses}. So this means we should be serving Krishna senses, then only can we be happy. So mind should be used for Krishna. This looks like oneness to many. But its actually achintya bheda bheda {simultaneous and inconceivable oneness and difference from God}. Master means somebody must be servant otherwise why use of 'Master'?. Listening to lecture right now about oneness' {or impersonal, {when we talk about oneness this means no master-we all ALL God}

 

Prabhupada: No, no, that is your personal opinion. But…

Priest: Not opinion; experience.

Prabhupada: So what is that experience? Tell me what is that experience?

Priest: That God is beyond all our experience.

Prabhupada: Then what is your experience? You have no experience. If it is beyond your experience, then you have no experience.

Priest: Personally, of course, but…

Prabhupada: Then you cannot explain. You cannot, because you have no experience.

Room Conversation with Christian Priest, Paris, June 9, 1974, (new98)

 

So this says people who talk about impersonal say God is beyond our experience, so I guess people who don't say we can experience God. Curious. Seems like people who like impersonal are running away from God. They trying to understand God by their own minds. So they say we cannot experience God. Also this is what Prabhupada says in Gita, let me paste:

 

In the beginning of spiritual realization, while one is trying to give up one's attachment to materialism, there is some leaning towards impersonalism, but when one is further advanced he can understand that there are activities in the spiritual life and that these activities constitute devotional service. Bg.7.19 Purport

 

I noticed while listening to Prabhupada lectures how sometimes while preaching the other's are a bit argumentative with Prabhupada, and his disciples always jump to defend their Gurudeva, which always makes laugh. You can sense in Prabhupada voice how he is enjoying this. Jaya! We have to respect all Prabhupada disciples for all the time they gave to KC and are giving. Just wish they could see the improvement in Gaudiya Matha since Prabhupada so-called departure. Say for example My Gurudeva calls me big rascal, then I may improve in 20 years, and somebody again calls me rascal, is this a good thing? Just an example. Anyway I don't want to talk about how devotees like to offend others for the sake of propagating adulterated KC? Complete fallacy. In all sastra Blasphemy is condoned. I doubt these people ever chanted 1 name of Nama. I wish to open people eyes and my own. See how they are preaching now. Narayana Maharaja is preaching so much, and even I really like his books. Somebody said Maharaja said 'Prabhupada didn't give everything' I suspect this was directed at some jumped up ritivk devotee trying to measure Maharaja. Anyway what can we do, the mind is a rascal it will criticize anybody even our dear Krishna.

 

 

Friday, 14 January 2005

I have been past couple of days reading Sri Isopanishad. I didn't read it all yet, would like to before putting it on-line for download. Must say I am very impressed. Well my mind is anyway! The verses are complicated but the Purports explain clearly. I read it's of the most important Upanishads. Called 'iso'. Gita being an Upanishad as well. So I can see why its so amazing. This is from Mantra 8 Purport " As mentioned in the Bhagavad-gita (9.30-31), a devotee may appear to be su-duracara, not well behaved, in the beginning, but he should be accepted as pure because he is on the right path." What I might do is read Bhagavatam then try to find corresponding Lecture to listen to. I can't see point in rushing. If I read for sake of reading I know it doesn't register, I know because I did this before. If it goes in one ear and out the other, what is the point? Reading and listening I do believe are the same in essence. You have to concentrate and not rush it. Be enthusiastic. So this is what I will do. Its not easy to concentrate but when I be enthusiastic it feels so much easier. If I listen for sake of listening its 'boring for the mind'. Add a pinch of enthusiasm and a dash of:

 

"There are six principles favorable to the execution of pure devotional service: ( 1 ) being enthusiastic, ( 2 ) endeavoring with confidence, ( 3 ) being patient, ( 4 ) acting according to regulative principles [such as Sravanam Kirtana Vishnu Smaranam [sB 7.5.23]-hearing, chanting and remembering Krsna], ( 5 ) abandoning the association of nondevotees, and ( 6 ) following in the footsteps of the previous acaryas. These six principles undoubtedly assure the complete success of pure devotional service." Noi.3.

 

I like the endeavouring, like an adventure in the Jungle. Keep moving, all I know is Krishna is a fun person, all those pastimes when He is with His mates in Vraj-jungle. Must have been spooky! I guess we don't ever loose our kid-spirit, Dehino smin yatha dehe. I am still the same soul I was since x years.

All I need now is a spiritual body. Mmmm I wonder how you can attain this? By purity? Or by sense gratification? Man I am preaching to myself again. See 'Harer nama is only way' Lord Chaitanya says. Yet we try to invent so many processes. We want to avoid the true path so we can do our 'on the side' sense gratification. The result? Don't worry Maya-devi is watching. As long as your have this attitude she will kick you. I will stop now.

 

 

Friday Part 2

I just been reading a reply from a devotee, I was sent a long time ago..seems I am re-reading e-mails and talks I had with devotees. I kind of am getting ideas about how to preach etc prep myself for Monday 64 rounds.

 

I was hearing Prabhupada says this 10,000 years KC will spread every town and village. I feel if I could some how establish a centre of some kind in my home town of Bradford, Uk it would be amazing. No idea how it would be like, but it would be in-line with what Prabhupada wanted. It couldn't be Iskcon, it would have to be Krishna Chaitanya Mission. But devotees from Iskcon would HAVE to attend, otherwise how else its going to work? I know this one devotee in U.s.a if he came over man it would be something. He would inspire so much. There's lots of Muslims, Hindus here, which I say all the more reason to establish a centre. Anyway I think I am dreaming, I don't expect this to happen by some money grant, 'Purity is the force'.. that's what I learnt from Srila Prabhupada. Anything's possible in this Age with Mahaprabhu's grace. Mercy is flowing like a river.

 

I will try to chant tomorrow feels right. My consciousness seems to be changing more so I will take advantage of it.

 

Next 10,000 years people will be meat-eaters. {cannibals}. Oh Krishna is so merciful! Full facility to eat meat.! Still listening to conversations of Prabhupada, VERY humorous, it's like I want to follow in footsteps of Prabhupada…{lotus feet}

 

As well as serving and reading my own Gurudeva books {I like the lecture transcripts a lot} I feel we should really try to hear Prabhupada lectures. Prominent is siksa. But really no difference between siksa and diksya, water the diksya by siksa. Sometimes I get confused what diksya is, it's a seed in the heart {Bhakti-seed} planted by Sri Gurudeva. We should show full respect to both Guru's. But its complicated, if we think one is more powerful, its not bad thing, we are talking about Only prominence. Whoever is… Like reading Prabhupada Books this is prominence. This is not impersonal religion, we have to adhere to feelings.

 

Like for example I thought while chanting I will listen to my Gurudeva chanting, which is fine. But I thought to myself this is 'better' than listening to Prabhupada. So I was wondering what I should do trying to figure it out. So this made me think long and hard. I thought of my Gurudeva and thought I should listen to Prabhupada. I still wondered why?

 

'DISCIPLIC SUCCESSION'-Pure Vaishnava is linked by diksya/siksa. We have a mixed diksya/siksa succession. Mostly the main thing is siksa.

 

'The Blessed Lord said: I instructed this imperishable science of yoga to the sun-god, Vivasvan, and Vivasvan instructed it to Manu, the father of mankind, and Manu in turn instructed it to Iksvaku."Bg.4.1

 

I suppose when diksya is available its given. But even then unless you follow the basic regulative principles, esp. no Blasphemy of devotees. Then you can progress. But if there is a prominent link available then we should seek them out. Even if we are not going to get initiation by any spiritual being, then at least we shall follow Acharyas teachings?. . seems we have ample opportunity to find a seeker of truth, the main thing is chanting.

 

I think most individuals are thinking the succession is now Broken, it only breaks when the true meaning is lost. Not when an Acharya leaves the planet.

 

Veda-means knowledge, this is the real and literal meaning of Veda meaning Knowledge. This will help to further understand about our parampara:

 

The very gist of the guru parampara, the disciplic succession, is siksa, the spiritual

teaching, and wherever it is to be traced, there is guru. One who has the transcendental eye, the divine eye, will recognize the guru wherever he appears. One who possesses knowledge of absolute divine love in purity -he is guru. Otherwise the guru parampara is only a body parampara:a succession of bodies. Then the caste brahmins, the caste goswamis, will continue with their trade, because body after body, they are getting the mantra. But their mantra is dead. We are after a living mantra, and wherever we can trace the living tendency for a higher type of devotional service, we shall find that there is our guru. One who has that sort of vision awakened will be able to recognize the guru wherever he may appear.

-(Sri Guru and His Grace,Chapter 3)

Bhakti Rakshaka Sridhara Maharaja

 

Even though Siksa is most important, in our disicplic succession every devotee accepted a spiritual master. Haribol

 

 

 

Saturday, 15 January 2005

I forgot to mention on Tuesday I made vow to Lord Nityananda I would chant 64 rounds japa on Mon 17 Jan 05. I don't think I ever made with such sincerity. I hear people say to me doing 16 is ok as well. I think its right. Anyway we have to make individual progress ourselves. So the rule is 16 min. Individually NOT collectively can we do our rounds. So its down to the singular living entity what they do. Also reading up, this chanting takes us to the point of thinking about Krishna 24/7. So it must be powerful. I do have a problem with people who say they are 'happy' just doing 16 and not trying to further. I think we should all try to progress and never be happy. This is what I read before I also saved it:

 

"Krishna Consciousness movement must be always a challenge, a great achievement to be gained by voluntary desire to do it, and that will keep it healthy." Letter to: Karandhara, Bombay, 22/10/72, Los Angeles.

 

I think also 16 rounds is the 'starting point' from which we progress further. Bhaktivinoda Thakura did 64 rounds in 2 hours in his mind. So 64 seems to be the magic number. Maybe I am getting obsessed, but 5-6 hours in a day to spare for chanting is not really a big deal. So I am going to do it. I remember when I was doing 16 I didn't feel satisfied I wanted that I could do more as I progressed. Surely we should try to do more. I discovered that offering Prayers in Glorification of the holy name is great, which basically is glorifying Krishna! This will surely help me in my path. What a chance I have to serve Gurudeva and please Krishna so quickly. I mean what could be more easy? All I need to do is chant? No I will invent some other .. right??? {smile}.

 

Saturday Part 2

I am listening again to Prabhupada conversations. Life and soul.

 

I heard 'they' the scientists landed a probe on a moon of Saturn called Titan, they say this will "unlock the mysteries of the universe". I would like to know what new thing they found out. I am not sure what planet Nasa are on. What new thing do they hope to find which cannot already be found here on Earth?

 

Krishna says-

"Earth, water, fire, air, ether, mind, intelligence and false ego-altogether these eight comprise My separated material energies." Bg.7.4

 

Material energies Lord Sri Krishna says. Krishna doesn't mention this world contains some amazing material/spiritual energy. I think scientists are searching actually for anti-matter {spiritual atoms}. Even Prabhupada says we should be searching for this. Everybody can see Material energy, so at what point we come to realize there is something beyond' material? Krishna says:

 

"O best among the Bharatas [Arjuna], four kinds of pious men render devotional service unto Me-the distressed, the desirer of wealth, the inquisitive, and he who is searching for knowledge of the Absolute." Bg.7.16

 

I am no scientist but they are inquisitive..right..

 

I was again wondering about Moon landings {yeah I know I shouldn't}. Either we believe Scientists {who have 4 defects- A mundaner 1) is sure to commit mistakes, 2) is invariably illusioned, 3) has the tendency to cheat others and 4) is limited by imperfect senses. Note No.3..

 

Bhagavatam already gives the information. I can't say either way if scientists did go to the Moon. But then I don't understand Canto 5 of Bhagavatam to say if they did or not. Prabhupada mentions this that we NEVER went to the Moon. This could mean the 'real moon' where one can drink soma-rasa, or Moon deity kicked them out and they were guided towards planet Rahu. Or the Moon we see is shadow of actual Moon. But I prefer the 'kicked out theory'. And then they went to Rahu. We have information that Each planet has presiding deity. I am sure when demi-gods come here they must already have permission since we cannot go to their planets. Anyway it seems really like science fiction. Look in the sky at the planets…..

 

Ps. I has a dream today. I was looking in a book and it had pictures of Baby Krishna which I had never seem before. Nice. Spiritual dream other stuff as well. When I offer food I should think I am offering to Baby Krishna because He is always hungry. Plus its easy to be attracted to think I am cooking for baby Krishna. Have to have machan on tap.!

 

 

Sunday, 16 January 2005

Wondering again about Conversations of Prabhupada, it does seem Prabhupada wants us to be independent Preachers kind of, like even if you don't get help no need to worry just do it anyway. I noticed this while on forums, I ask devotees sometimes what they think and hardly get a response. So Krishna says we should preach so I guess use this for enthusiasm..

 

"For one who explains the supreme secret to the devotees, devotional service is guaranteed, and at the end he will come back to Me." Bg.18.68

 

In Sanskrit translation Krishna says- yah-anyone; So anybody can, who knows about Gita, I have this other quote:

 

"So if you become well-conversed with the whole Bhagavad-gita, then you have full knowledge. There is no need of saying that "I do not know." You'll become full knowledge, man of knowledge. But you must study."

Morning Walk, June 11, 1974, Paris

 

Must study Prabhupada says. And who comments on Gita?..

 

Paramahamsa: My question is: A pure devotee, when he comments Bhagavad-gita, someone who never sees him physically, but he just comes in contact with his commentary, explanation, is this the same thing?

 

Prabhupada: Yes. You can associate with Krsna by reading Bhagavad-gita. And these saintly persons, they have given their explanations, comments. So where is the difficulty? Everyone is helping you.

Morning Walk, June 11, 1974, Paris

 

Very simple understanding. Devotees are helping us. Take the help from Guru and Krishna. Prabhupada says we MUST read Gita. Reading means understanding, what the Gita says. That's real understanding.

 

"O son of Prtha, that determination which is unbreakable, which is sustained with steadfastness by yoga practice, and thus controls the mind, life, and the acts of the senses, is in the mode of goodness." Bg.18.33

 

This verse makes me think my vow of 64 rounds on Monday is how I should approach it. The Purport says more:

 

"Yoga is a means to understand the Supreme Soul. One who is steadily fixed in the Supreme Soul with determination, concentrating one's mind, life and sensual activities on the Supreme, engages in Krsna consciousness. That sort of determination is in the mode of goodness. The word avyabhicarinya is very significant, for it refers to persons who are engaged in Krsna consciousness and are never deviated by any other activity."

 

This to me makes perfect sense on how to approach your vow. Just keep in Kc activities and your vow WILL be/is unbreakable.

 

Although chanting is the main business. There are 8 other processes. Leading all up to chanting, chanting is main business. This chanting leads us to think of Krishna. In other ages they have other processes, Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu says Harer Nama Harer Nama, chant Hare Krishna. Anyway I wrote a lot over past days, now I am prep for Monday, haribol.

 

 

Monday, 17 January 2005

I was meant to start today, I couldn't do it. I made another vow to start on Thursday which is Putrada Ekadasi, I hope I can do it, not much to write about today.

 

 

Tuesday, 18 January 2005

I am hoping to prep on Wednesday, I haven't had any association for a week now, feels not so bad, I get used to things very easy. Still wondering when I will start chanting…

 

I made a Ekadasi Calendar from 2 Ekadasi sites, I did it for myself so I can check what the story behind each Ekadasi is. I was going to do it before, didn't take long. I might make it available for download since it works and looks nice. Just find it funny that on Thursday its Putrada ekadasi {for begetting a son} and I am not even married. What would I do with a son?

 

 

Wednesday, 19 January 2005

I am writing this at 5.30am cannot sleep at all, I am thinking about Thursday Ekadasi, when I start chanting, I am a bit stupid to say I will do 64 rounds, when I cannot even manage 16, I really need to get my 'vaidhi-bhakti down' and stop being a rascal. I just had a thought about transference, Prabhupada says we can engage anything in Krsna Consciousness, so this means I can engage my Ego in Kc. Spiritualise my ego or as Prabhupada says Krishnalize ourselves by engaging always in Krsna Consciousness.

 

I am getting internet connection hopefully today, I will post this on Audarya. For the world to see my raskaldom. I will keep everybody waiting to find out if I indeed do start to chant on Thursday 20 Jan 2005. Seems apt that I get connection today and I am starting tomorrow. I hope I can get blessings from Vaishnava's that I may start without any big impediments. Or if there are that I may overcome them very easily. And that I can find the strength and fortitude to be successful in this great endeavour.

 

I also have been thinking about how I could establish a centre for Krsna Consciousness in my Home City. Well Mahaprabhu said every town and village. I would be so happy to help Guru and Gauranga out, feel all goose pimply thinking about it! I have all these hopes which seem impossible and quite preposterous to anybody who read this diary since I don't even chant Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna….

 

 

 

[Pankaja_Dasa 1]

 

Thursday, 20 January 2005

I didn't start today even though I was meant to. I tried to fast but failed. I guess when you don't chant how the hell you going to fast? Anyway another day wasted. I did make another vow YES another vow! I got to start on Saturday my Gurudeva Vyasa celebrations start up until 30 Jan 05. All I can think about is chanting, I think maybe I am chanting without even knowing it! Haha.

 

 

Friday, 20 January 2005

Prep for Sat.!

[Pankaja_Dasa 1]

 

 

Friday, 20 January 2005

Today is big day, I think I might as well prep, and chant some rounds, who knows I may even get a suddha-nama in there, just see my over-confidence! Well nothing wrong with over-confidence, better than no-confidence!!!!

 

Part2

 

In Paltalk doing Gita reading and writing this, had a most wonderful conversation with this devotee {}, there are some devotees who are givers. This devotee is so cool. One of a kind. We really should appreciate all devotees I believe. A pure devotee always helps people. We don't like to hear our own faults. But hear we must, like say somebody calls me rascal {I am } this doesn't mean everybody can, but its not too 'call' me rascal.. its to improve my character hopefully to make me see what I am doing. Not that we go around calling everybody a rascal hahah

 

Made a another Vow I cannot keep tomorrow, just see what I am doing, I hope everybody realizes how stupid I am being, and sees what happens to rascals like me. This is the final time now. I had enough. I am not going to associate with devotees anymore, if I don't keep this time. Because I am really bad association, for 10 days I stayed away because I am such a rascal.

This is my final vow-

 

____

Bhakti Vaibhava Puri Maharaja-

 

I am making vow to You that from this Day-

 

24 January 2005 Monday.

I WILL-

 

Chant 64 Rounds of Japa

4 Regulative Principles of Bhakti

 

Everyday

____

 

 

I will be back later to tell you how It went, if I don't then bye forever.!

 

[jayaisvara 0]

Pankaja_dasa, the following is from Swami B.V. Tripurari's forum/website. It is replies to some questions that are sent by devotees. Please have a look at them, they inspire me in times of emptiness:

 

"WOOSH!"

 

Sanga Question via Website

 

Dear Swami,

 

Let me cut to the chase. I don't want to waste too much of your time.

I was not raised to follow Sanatana Dharma. I do now though, a forty-six year old woman with no where to run to that does not lead back to Sanatana Dharma. I am illiterate on the subject though. I read, but I'm probably cross mixing all branches of Hinduism, and ending up back in the same place.

 

I go to Temple quite often. There are three Swami's at my Temple. I love them each dearly, differently, yet the same. They are wonderful. They are so smart, gifted, sincere...

 

One of the Swami's at my Temple...Well, he has this...Effect on me, for lack of a better word. "WOOSH!" He floods my body with heat....and I'm leaving my body again. The problem is 1.)I am a woman. 2.) It happens when I'm not prepared. 3.)Who knows if my body is operating efficiently when I'm gone.

 

I went to the Swami, He said, "Pray to God." Well, I hate to be a pain but I pray all day long. I pray from waking to sleeping. I have done this for a long time. It isn't that I'm not praying hard enough. I'm praying. I'm praying.

 

Swami, Is this "normal"? Am I going to be alright? I'm waiting over here!

 

 

 

Dear *****,

 

In our opinion most of what you are experiencing as WOOSH!" is psychological rather than spiritual. Even meditatative states such as astral travel are on the material mental plane. Genuine spiritual experience leaves one satisfied and flooded with an otherworldly sense of well being. In genuine spiritual experience one knows what to do. States that leave one confused and unhappy are at best shadow spiritual experiences. A shadow has some reality but it only a reflection of the real thing.

 

One Swami has already advised you to pray and that advise is very good. Along with prayer chant the name of God both as a meditation and as background to your daily activities. Consider yourself a servant of God and be kind to everyone, and don't consider yourself young or old or a woman or a man. Never think of yourself as a material body and have faith that chanting the name of God and kindness will give you everything. Don't worry you will ultimately be alright because you are an eternal spirit soul. Bhagavad Gita says for the soul their is neither birth, death, old age or disease.

 

Best wishes, sangaeditor

-------------------------

a strong desire to be a great Devotee

 

Sanga Question via Website

 

Dear respected Srila Tripurari Maharaj, my most humble obeisances unto your lotus feet.

 

I don't know how to express this properly but I will try. In my mind there is constantly a very strong desire to become a "Guru" or "Acharya" or "great Devotee". I know that this desire is the worst of all, it is desire for name and fame. Most probably I just want to imitate great devotees and thereby gain appretiation from others. I know that this is wrong, but still I cannot give up these thoughts although I am trying hard. I also many times feel strong urge to tell everyone that they are wrong and Krishna conciousness is right, because I can theoreticaly/intelectually understand and have strong belief that this can really solve all problems and bring all good. But to speak frankly I'm miserable myself. I can see that I want to help all others, but at the same time I cannot even help myself. What can or what should I do? My Guru Maharaj adviced me to regularly do sravan-kirtan with a view to please Supreme Lord, not to give "speeches" only to satisfy others. Is it possible that only I'm not patient enough? In that case I pray for your help and blessings to give me neccesary strengh to follow the instructions of my Guru Maharaj in full.

 

 

Dear das,

 

Swami Tripurari asked me to reply to you. He is pleased with your letter and wants you to know that there is great hope for you in Krsna consciousness. All conditioned souls are under the influence of false ego and material desire, but only a few of them have any understanding of how unfortunate they really are. Those that do have some inkling of this largely feel that others are to blame for their problems. Even amongst devotees, few are willing to fully acknowledge the extent to which they have caused their own unfortunate predicament. It's much easier to point the finger at others then to do what is needed to remedy oneself.

 

The remedy of course is sadhu sanga and Krsna nam, accompanied at every stage by sincere self-analysis. If we take a hard look at ourselves we will be able to stop blaming others for our lack of spiritual progress. Taking that hard look requires a certain amount of humility, which is what attracts Krsna Nam.

Krsna Nam will stay with a person who has humility. There is great hope for such persons regardless of their shortcomings.

 

So be patient and serve your gurudev to the best of your ability. Swami begs you to never give up the chanting of Krsna Nam, regardless of your situation or spiritual condition. Have faith that Krsna Nam will save you, even from yourself. Don't try to be a great devotee, just try to be a good devotee. Being a good devotee is not always easy, but know that in your struggle you have the blessings of Swami, his staff, and all sincere Vaisnavas everywhere.

 

Best wishes, sangaeditor

-------------------------

 

worship of Ganapathi

 

 

Sanga Question via Website

 

In the Bhagavad Gita worship of demigods is discouraged. In the Vishnu purana it is said that higher than the worship of Vishnu is the worship of his devotees ( Demigods - since they are Vaishnavs ). I have also read somewhere that Demigods should not be worshipped on the same alter as Lord Krishna. My wife who is not Krishna Conscious has a separate alter where she worships Demigods and has a picture of Lord Krishna on the same alter but I have a separate alter worshipping in the Gaudiya tradition as in all Iskcon centres. In the Nectar of Devotion Srila Prabhupada states that all devotees should start their day by worship of Ganapathi ( Lord Ganesha ) as he removes obstacles to our devotional service. I have personally not seen this anywhere being done in Iskcon. Could this be the reason why so many devotees fall because they are disrespectful to demigods. I have seen this in many lectures around the world. Please explain these contradictory statements.

 

 

 

Dear ******,

 

Regardless of what Srila Prabhupada wrote in Nectar of Devotion, in practical application he never introduced the worship of Ganesa within his movement. Actually he discouraged such worship as evidenced by the following conversation and letters. That statement is in Nectar of Devotion in consideration of ancient norms within Hinduism. Traditionally one worships Ganesa for the removal of obstacles to other types of worship. Thus a devotee may honor or worship Ganesa before he begins his daily worship of Krsna. But in all, it is the worship of Krsna that is important. If one does worship Ganesa it should be done with the understanding that Ganesa is a servant of Krsna. Also the scriptures say that ideally one should not worship Krsna for material gain. Neophyte devotees who are interested in material gain might worship the demigods for such things, but that should be done with the understanding that the demigods bestow material favors by the power of Krsna.

 

So continue to worship Krsna on your alter along with a picture of Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. Also be sure to chant Hare Krsna and associate with devotees. Your wife may worship Krsna on the same alter as the demigods, but for the best spiritual results she should worship with the understanding that Krsna is supreme. If she is not able to accept this intellectually then she should be encouraged to chant Hare Krsna during her worship and at other times throughout the day. Actually you should do this together at some point every day. Chanting Hare Krsna together will purify your hearts and through purification everything will fall into place.

 

The idea that some devotees fell down because they did not worship Ganesa is incorrect. Devotees fall down because of material desires or Vaisnava aparadha--offences to Vaisnavas. Of the two the latter is more dangerous. Bhaktivinode Thakura says that one should not look for faults in devotees nor should one criticize devotees because of accidental falldowns. Devotional service is eternal....there may be many falldowns along the way...but Bhagavad Gita says that for one who begins the path of devotion, success is assured.

 

Best wishes, sangaeditor

-------------------------

Q. How can I develop my love for Krsna?

A. Chanting is the best way to develop love for Krsna. Do it attentively and watch to see that its effect plays out in your everyday life in terms of developing 'jiva daya,' kindness to all beings. Start with this and gauge your chanting accordingly. If your heart is not cleansed of selfishness and softened towards others, your chanting is not attentive. Pay better attention and gather knowledge in relation to Krsna.

--------------------------

 

PS: The bolded terms give me inspiration. I hope it will give you inspiration also. Personally, I have found out that I am not developing kindness for anyone, rather I think they are degraded more than myself and I am somehow purer than them. I thought like this about my mother, father, brother, and many others whom I see everyday. I didn't stop to think that how fallen I was. How much I have to struggle to be in KC?

 

I should've been so grateful that God and Vaisnavas are giving me ability to become a good soul. How can I possibly deride those living entities whom are suffering knowingly or unknowingly without KC? Only a demon like myself can possibly do this, because this is similiar to one who uses his power to mistreat others, which I did many times in the past, and that habit is still in my mind.

 

 

Now when I think about how I thought my mother was impure, or my father was impure, or my brother, or anyone whom I came in contact with, I see how fallen I am. I try to think that they are going through a temporary phase of their existence. This is not them actually, but its temporary. One day, they will be really pious. If I have to struggle this much in KC, just see how more fallen I am compared to them? Maybe this is the reason that I got KC, because its for the most fallen. So nowadays I try to see my superiors as superiors and my brother as not my brother, but as a living entity who has all the right.

 

I am not saying I am good at this, but I think its a start. I think it will be a good start for me if I can come to realize my fallen, miserable condition. Miserable means actually the lowest, ungrateful of mankind. That I hope to realize one day and then maybe I can by the grace of sadhus go somewhere.

[Pankaja_Dasa 1]

 

_____

The remedy of course is sadhu sanga and Krsna nam, accompanied at every stage by sincere self-analysis. If we take a hard look at ourselves we will be able to stop blaming others for our lack of spiritual progress. Taking that hard look requires a certain amount of humility, which is what attracts Krsna Nam.

Krsna Nam will stay with a person who has humility. There is great hope for such persons regardless of their shortcomings.

____

 

I like the fact Maharaja asked one of his disicples to answer. The question posed could have been spoken by me. Its not that I am unhappy but I cannot say for sure that I am happy either. But I know for a fact I am in the mode of ignorance at this particular moment in time and in a diseased condition of life, I like in what you posted wherein it says we should analize ourselves, this is what I am doing in this diary. And for me to tell the truth it is working the more I write. Sometimes I cannot stop writing theres so much stuff in my head. Anyway I appreciate you posting this here. I hope to add some more to this thread later, hare krishna!

 

[krsna 3]

Yes, very good answers to sincere questions.

[jayaisvara 0]

Pankaja_dasa, I am happy that you find those helpful, because they have also helped me, these quotes which are by Swami Tripurari Maharaja and his disciples who are very nice and compassionate to others. Right now, I am in the mode of ignorance also, honestly. But through these trials only will I be humbled. Jesus said this many times that God, The Supreme Living Person, will make us go through trials only to purify us. I have heard I think Srila Prabhupada Swami's lecture "Bg 02-01 - Los Angeles 1968-11-29 - The Missing Self--Understanding", that The Supreme Person, Sri Krsna, is like soft and hard like a thunderbolt at the same time. He is hard like a thunderbolt to His devotees because or else, how else can we become well disciplined?

 

I feel very grateful that my mother and father used to be quite strict when I was a child, only now can I see it. I sometimes hope that they could've been more strict.

 

Haribol

[Pankaja_Dasa 1]

 

 

Sunday, 22 January 2005

Its 2.am I just had a big big bottle of.. coke.! And ordered out a pizza. Yeah I know its bad, this is exactly what happens when you stop chanting. Slowly all your bad habits creep in. You start to swear and cuss like you used to, I feel like drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes. Yes I know it seems like "oh no I will never do that again". Oh yes you will, if you don't serve Krishna then you have to serve somebody..

 

One devotee said to me today you have to have serving attitude seeing what I just wrote he is right. I will write later, and I am going to sleep soon {if I can} then really try to chant some rounds, even if its just 1. Once you do 1 I find you just have to do 1 more. {soul instinct I call it}.

 

 

Sunday Part 2

 

Woke up at 10am listened to Bhajans in Paltalk while associating with devotees. Bhudeva Prabhuji Bhajans are really ecstatic. I think he is the new Vishnujana Swami without a doubt. ! Without a doubt! I think Krishna is pleased when I talk to devotees in a nice way, I can feel it. Actual feeling. I always now try to be nice with devotees, talk in a more sweet way because devotees really do have soft hearts. Anyway that’s it for now, hare Krishna..

 

Sunday Part 3

 

Its 12am right now, I am wondering about tomorrow. I figured out why I cannot or won't start. Its simple. I am trying to satisfy myself without proper understanding that to satisfy Krishna automatically I can be pleased because Krishna is the Master of the senses. Really simple. Nothing more than this. I am trying to be master. How many times have I read this? In Prabhupada books Purports, Verses etc. Well talking from experience I can say its true, I have personal realisation. Write again later, hare Krishna.

 

[Pankaja_Dasa 1]

 

 

Monday, 24 January 2005

Ok even though I woke early I didn't start. I am planning to..not telling when! Watch this space. I got a phone call from Bhaktivedanta Manor in London from a nice devotee. I find when they phone they are always apprehensive of 'who is this guy?'. But I tried to be nice and confident that I wanted to go there, he mentioned the Bhakta Course, I was thinking it's a 2 week deal No! 3 months! I cannot believe it 3 months in a Temple I must be tripping on Maha-prasadam. I said sign me up! He said a devotee will phone back to make arrangements. Now just got to figure out how to get there.. I really think it would be good for me. They have cows and everything, green grass to site on etc. You can chant in such a peaceful environment. This means I could with Sri Radhes grace experience Gaura-lila. [25 March-Sri Gauranga Mahaprabhu - Appearance]. For this I would be eternally grateful. I am sure I won't be disappointed.

 

 

Tuesday, 25 January 2005

Writing today at 6.13am. I figured out how I can engage myself in Krishna Consciousness. I will say that again, I figured out how I can 'engage myself' in Krishna Consciousness.

 

A devotee told me I procrastinate, meaning I leave what can be done today until tomorrow. I think it's a term coined especially for devotees. It is true I do this all the time. I listen too much to my material mind I think this is one of the factors, I need to engage 'it' I call it 'it' because right now its only purpose is of a tool to engage me in Krishna Consciousness, that's the duty of the mind. Otherwise its my greatest enemy-

 

Krishna says- "For him who has conquered the mind, the mind is the best of friends; but for one who has failed to do so, his very mind will be the greatest enemy." Bg.6.6

 

Krishna clearly gives the results of one whose mind is uncontrolled. This you can clearly see in my uncontrolled life. So what shall I do?

 

Krishna says- "For one who has conquered the mind, the Supersoul is already reached, for he has attained tranquility. To such a man happiness and distress, heat and cold, honor and dishonor are all the same." Bg.6.7

 

Prabhupada says in the Purport "When the mind is misled by the external illusory energy, one becomes entangled in material activities. Therefore, as soon as one's mind is controlled through one of the yoga systems, one is to be considered as having already reached the destination. One has to abide by superior dictation. When one's mind is fixed on the superior nature, he has no other alternative but to follow the dictation of the Supreme."

 

This is describing my life, I am being misled by the external illusory energy because my mind is uncontrolled.

 

I understand this STILL I am encaged and why not? How can you dig yourself out of a ditch? How can you be saved if you cannot swim and are drowning like a dog in the ocean? Is it possible? IMPOSSIBLE! I am trying to achieve the impossible. I am quite surprised at myself. If it wasn't for Prabhupada books I may have gone down the Jnana-yogi path {they don't even actually try to understand Krishna nowadays its all oneness this and oneness that} anyway you get my point. I am so much engrossed in mode of darkness. But there is a light, I do see it man!

 

Gauranga Mahaprabhu! Sri Radhe! Sri Nitai!

 

How do I take their mercy one may ask themselves. If by now you don't know, then I give up.

 

[Pankaja_Dasa 1]

 

 

Wednesday, 26 January 2005

Today I got sick of having too much stuff on my comp and just wiped it all. Even though I had many files which I used to make the sites. I just downloaded most of it esp. Gita and Namamrta. And My Guru PDF book. I think I had a thought that I was getting too attached to having these files.. Now at least if I am going to do any projects I can start a fresh. When you doing this kind of thing you should make sure to name everything so later its easy to find! I didn't! Anyway until another project..

 

I cannot believe I downloaded entire sermons of devotion by BR Sridhara Maharaja and now have to download all again, my internet FREE aol is being expired soon, I will be just Gone! You won't have any idea how or when I went, just poof!

 

 

 

Thursday, 26 January 2005

I am wondering still about chanting. I made another vow. I think when we make vows we should keep our mouth shut until we know we can do it. I am sure there some sastric thing about this. So I am not saying anything.

 

I also Hope to Krishna I am on Bhakta Programme at least by next month if not in April. I have no hopes I will be. So I am not entertaining any thoughts. Krishna is Supreme Planner He doesn't need any planning permission. So I am sure it will turn out ok!! Hari!

 

Sunday is Final day of My Gurudeva Vyasa-puja {that's a tip guys}. I have been reading Gita over the last few days in Paltalk. And the Art of chanting. This helps me especially when I read in association of devotees. I never really liked reading by myself anyway. Its goning good.. We are having discussions which I like. It helps to get the realization out and talk. Then we can remember what we read. Anyway I don't feel like writing today. I just did it because I had to...Hare Krishna!

 

 

 

[Pankaja_Dasa 1]

 

 

Friday, 27 January 2005

I didn't read Gita today, read Art of chanting. Talked about chanting in separation. Very deep, but if you want the feeling, don't talk to your fav devotee friend for some days, and you will see what separation is. Because when you think about devotees..you think about Krishna at same time. Because Krishna loves his nice devotees!!!!

 

I think everybody should help Kamlesh Patel from www.gitamrta.org ...not saying why. Just do it!

 

 

Saturday, 28 January 2005

I will decline to write anything today. Its 3.15am. I will write again on Sunday. If I can't then sorry for the trouble. You cannot have everything in life. Look at Britney Spears I was hoping I could pull it off. [Kidding]. All I know is to desire anything other 'than' being in Krishna Consciousness maybe the greatest impediment. I do truly believe this. Even a small unwanted desire could make you want sense gratification. Lets not say 'fall-down' we never even got up. How the hell are we fell-down. Get to Madhyama-stage then worry about how and when you may fall-down.

 

I think at start don't worry so much, enjoy Kc. Its fun! That's what I say! Read like crazy, esp. esp. associate with devotees. Get involved. Remember you're all ready fallen. So anyone reading this will think I am crazy I am not. It's when you think your NOT fallen is when you fall...

 

[Pankaja_Dasa 1]

 

Saturday, 29 January 2005

 

Part 2

 

I am writing again to say I will be starting tomorrow 100%. I am truly sick of my situation. I am feeling right now over-whelming feelings of depression. Not so bad but whenever I am about to start some how or other Maya puts all kinds of impediments in my way. You must remember and know that whatever happens in life you have to chant hare krsna holy name. If anything happens to make you stop the accept this as Maya. For if you don't and think some how Krishna doesn't want you to engage in His service, then it's not a good situation to be in.

 

On the up side I spoke to some atheists today. Anyway.. I am going to make another Thread. To increase my enthusiasm. Maybe some people will conjecture the fact I am making it but I have to do it for my own good. Hopefully people can see devotional life is as it says both very very very easy and very difficult. Keeping the balance a devotee told me is key. I have no idea how just yet. But writing this diary helps. A devotee said to me that I write well. She said I should 'write for Krishna' so here goes nothing and everything.!

Diary of Sixty Four Rounds