Why the Left can't stand the Bible

August 29, 2003

The Bible is full of nightmares for leftist red-tape mongers and professional rule-imposers. Take these examples:

1. Moses parted the Red Sea without first performing an environmental impact study.

2. Ten plagues occurred up still not a single person thought of nationalizing health care?

3. The term "The Three Wise Men" is insensitive to the intellectually challenged. That should be changed to the "Trio of educationally advantaged amateur astronomers."

4. Instead of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, they should have brought hummus, incense and a representative from Child Protective Services.

5. The Virgin Mary didn't first meet with consultants from Planned Parenthood.

6. Ten plagues and still not a single person thought of nationalizing health care?

7. Adam didn't ask Eve for verbal as well as written consent before touching her.

8. Of course Cain killed Abel. He was obviously suffering either from bipolar disorder, low blood sugar, emotional abuse as a child, or societal neglect.

9. "The trials of Job" were nothing. Try getting a job with nothing but a masters degree in Norwegian Art History – that's a test!

10. Too bad Greenpeace members didn't have their own ark so they could have rammed Noah's Ark. You just know that, after the flood, Noah sold those animals to the circus.

11. The destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah could have easily been prevented if they would have passed hate-crime legislation sooner.

12. Jesus is one of the greatest teachers in history, but isn't a member of the National Education Association. In other words, God uses scab labor.

13. David slew Goliath simply because he was unfortunate enough to have been stricken with gigantism.

14. "The Last Supper" didn't offer an option for people on gluten-free diets, and the fat content on the food was not labeled.

15. Jesus gave a Sermon on the Mount where he talked of giving to the poor, and spoke out against greed, and all without charging attendees $300 per ticket. (Barbra Streisand only).

16. The part about Jonah and the whale becoming entangled in tuna nets is conveniently passed over in the Old Testament.

17. God should have spent the seventh day not resting, but rather going around putting warning stickers on all potentially dangerous, really pointy things.

18. What's the big deal about Nebuchadnezzar spending seven years ingesting grass? Heck, Woody Harrelson's done it longer than that.

19. The Bible mentions nothing about obtaining the necessary permits to build the Tower of Babel.

20. People lived to be hundreds of years old without prescription-drug coverage? I don't think so.

21. Jesus turned water into wine, which was not very mindful of those who happened to be teetering on the brink of plunging down the stairs of their 12-step program.

22. Of all the wealth possessed by King Solomon, the amount he donated to environmental causes: $0. And the thing about the Bible that drives the left the most crazy? People can find salvation without their assistance.