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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

 

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

 

 

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

 

 

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

 

 

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

 

 

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

 

 

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

 

 

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

 

 

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

 

Kids' Deep Thoughts

 

Thursday, February 28, 2002

 

-- Apparently from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." --

 

 

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15

 

 

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

 

 

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

 

 

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

 

 

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6

 

 

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -- Age 7

 

 

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

 

 

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. -- Age 5

 

 

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -- Age 15

 

 

 

[This message has been edited by dasa (edited 04-06-2002).]

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Really Great! This present SNL group is quite charming.

Still, Jack Handy's stuff should be reinstated, allowed it's usual former musik + 60-75 second scrolldown.

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"Man oh man thats a bright thing what the hell is that?" Mary told me to go to sleep. "No" I said "I'm ganna find out what that thing is!" i squinted at it for a while then turned it off and went to bed.

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Why did I ever tell that strang woman where i lived. Now she comes by all the time. I cant seen to get her away some times I use a broom to fight her off and sometimes i scream and it seems to scare her off. Man I hate my Grandma.

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hey you guys i made the two above this one too... heres another:

 

One day I started walking, i walked until my legs were shaky and i had sweat all over my body, i was pretty dehidrated too. Thats the day i saw god. Now it makes me wonder if those religious guys are dehidrated too. If they are they should make a club called Dehidrated people. Then finally i would be accepted.

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What if the whole planet was just a big rock that was really hott on the inside. What if i was wrong? would i still exist? I bet my kids will ask the same questions about there planet.

 

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Wow that thing was gross. I'm glad i steped on it. i wonder what it was jeeze maybe i should look under my foot maybe it was an endagered species. No, it couldnt be I've seen them all over the place. Not quite as big as this one though. Just in case i should probably skip town.

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I threw down my weapon and surrenderd i had my back to him with my hands up. How did he sneak up behind me like that. I didn't even see him let alone hear a sound. Maybe he is a goast. In that case ive heard that goasts cant hurt anyone that is alive. Wait they wouldn't be able to hurt dead people either. What the hell can they do then? Goasts are worthless! Yes, that is my conclustion about goasts.

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I think the only time i feel sad for some guy is if hes crying. Unless hes crying because i feel sad for him. Who knows when that started but when ever it was... no thats just too crazy to think about!

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If I was god the first thing i would do is get a pet dog, the second thing i would do is get a pet human. I would probably get a man human so i could have my two pets be best friends. Not excluding women i would have chosen a woman if it didnt mean that I had to exchange my dog for a Kamoto Dragon.

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true it was late in the day and I was running out of gas but i thought to myself what would a sea monster do im my position. I thought then that it was probably safer to stop driving then to drive drunk.

 

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"I told you to get that looked at Marsha next time listen to me." I put my hand on her hand. "The doctor is the best there is there may still be time. oh god, your dead arnt you? i knew from the first time they tried to close your casket.

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The one funny thing about an Ice age is that you can never quite know when they are going to melt.

 

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When i was a young boy i asked my dad why we never went fishing or skiing like all of the other kids and thier dads. He took me aside and said "your not my son. Ive never seen you before in my life." then my dad desserted me and i never saw him again. I guess ill just have to keep fishing with that wierd old man that lives with me.

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your not funny at all. all of Jack handys are funny but then I read yours and I would prefer dying over that. Good Lord you are not funny.

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Jake Saxon, I know it seems like reading other peoples jokes and trying to imitate them is funny, but you just didn't pull it off. I can honestly say that the little kids could teach you something when it comes to deep thoughts. You should probably stick to your day job, that is if you have one.

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i think u are really funny that makes me happy reading jakes and wanting to die also i read your comment, laughed and you saved my life thank you

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This ones funny others arnt but this one is

 

"When i was a young boy i asked my dad why we never went fishing or skiing like all of the other kids and thier dads. He took me aside and said "your not my son. Ive never seen you before in my life." then my dad desserted me and i never saw him again. I guess ill just have to keep fishing with that wierd old man that lives with me.

 

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