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Astrology Humour

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Astrologer: Saturn is aspecting your wealth and property and can snatch your happiness. You should do Shani shanti pooja. It will cost 1100 Rs.

 

Man: But I don't have that much money.

 

Astrologer: Ok, for you I will do that in 500 Rs only

 

Man: I don't have even that much

 

Astrologer: 251 Rs?

 

Man: Nope

 

Astrologer: 101?

 

Man: un hun. No

 

Astrology Ok, Finally I will do that in 11 Rs only. Final?

 

Man: I have only 2 Rs and a quarter.

 

Astrologer: Then you go. What else can SHANI do of you?

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AFTER SEX COMMENTS BY SUN SIGN:

 

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

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SUN SIGN PRAYERS

 

ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW !"

TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL -LOVING, ALL -POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"

CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

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Hi.

According to

My vedic natal chart-------

cancer ascendant with

saturn in my 1st house (cancer)

rahu in my 4th house (libra)

sun/mercury/venus in my 8th house (aquarius)

jupiter ketu in my 10th house(aries)

mars & moon in my 12th house(gemini)

In my vedic navamsha chart

scorpio ascendant

mercury in 2nd house (saggitarius)

moon in 3rd house (capricorn)

jupiter & rahu in 6th house (aries)

sun in 7th house (taurus)

saturn in 9th house (cancer)

ketu venus & mars in 12th house(libra)

Professionally ,I am working in foreign country for longtime , should i permanently stay there?

Pls reply

Regards

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Hi.

According to

My vedic natal chart-------

cancer ascendant with

saturn in my 1st house (cancer)

rahu in my 4th house (libra)

sun/mercury/venus in my 8th house (aquarius)

jupiter ketu in my 10th house(aries)

mars & moon in my 12th house(gemini)

In my vedic navamsha chart

scorpio ascendant

mercury in 2nd house (saggitarius)

moon in 3rd house (capricorn)

jupiter & rahu in 6th house (aries)

sun in 7th house (taurus)

saturn in 9th house (cancer)

ketu venus & mars in 12th house(libra)

Professionally ,I am working in foreign country for longtime , should i permanently stay there?

Pls reply

Regards

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WHICH PET WOULD GO BEST WITH EACH SIGN?

 

Aries: Anything, as long as it's got a lot of energy!

Taurus: A turtle: it¹s slow-moving, doesn¹t need a lot of attention, and won¹t compete with its owner for food.

Gemini: A talking parrot; need I say more? Well, of course I do, but--

Cancer: Anything, as long as it needs to be nurtured

Leo: A big, bold, ferocious feline, as long as it doesn¹t compete with its owner¹s place in the sun.

Virgo: Let¹s see, I have to get up at 7:30 to feed it, let it out at 7:45, at 10:00 I need to go to the grocery store to pick up three cans of food, which will cost $3.86, including tax--

Libra: Hm, good question. One the one hand, a dog is active, affectionate, and companionable. On the other hand, a cat is pretty independent and won¹t require as much time and attention. Oh, I don¹t know. What would you do? Are you sure?

Scorpio: A cat. Secretive, mysterious, and unpredictable? What¹s there not to like?

Sagittarius: A horse, of course! Let¹s hope it¹s got enough stamina to keep up with me.

Capricorn: Do I have to pay for it?

Aquarius: A hamster. First, I¹ve got to set up a detailed cage with tubes going from here to here, and an energy sensor--they don¹t make anything like that? That¹s okay, I¹m sure what I come up with will be much better.

Pisces: Fish. When their owner forgets about them for weeks on end, they¹re easy to replace. If Pisces remembers to replace them...

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hey ameture,

 

Let me speak this way,, why dont we start a WAR here...

are you interested in WARRRRR? will be very happy....

you think that you are very smart...

 

we are here for learning,, thats the purpose behind it...

you dont have the rights to laugh on this great science....

why dont you laugh on your self.

what do you do ???

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Hey Riaz,

 

Take it easy. I don't know what makes you think that amateur or anyone who participates in this thread is trying to ridicule this GREAT SCIENCE.

 

And as far as good intentions are concerned, I guess amateur has proved himself well by helping so many people in such a short period of time.

 

I myself am an economist. and we makes jokes regarding economics concepts and terms at times but that does not mean at all that we are ridiculing the great subject itself.

 

Take it easy man. This thread is only to share the lighter side of things. I am sure no such thing as ridiculing astrology would have even crossed the minds of amateur or other participants.

 

Kind regards

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Hey mylilangel

 

i dint like the words he used, indirectly he is pointing me..

 

SHANTI POOJA aah

 

i dont have anything against anyone else who wrote in this thread.

 

But the start was not good.

 

i never comment on anyone till now and never question anyone. so why do we have to argue.. mylilangel

 

kind regards

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this dosent show sense of humour nor smartness.

this realy shows amateur brains.

 

 

You are right Riaz, I am stupid and not as intelligent you. So I usually laugh at jokes and do not try to interpret scientifically. I do not have enough brains like you so that I can spend them on such important things so minutely, so I wasn't able to interpret that how saturn can aspect both wealth and property. How Silly I am, instead I laughed at it!. I appreciate your knowledge and your attentive ness that you pointed out the thing so well and pointed out my mistake instead of laughing with heart and making someone smile you pointed out the mistake. You are really good.

 

I think my horoscope can explain this stupidity in my brains may be due to my wrong birth time

 

Also I appreciate your self esteem that you can not bear that any one laughs on anything you are related with, On the other side me, astupid fellow, made fun of myself and the science I am learning since last 13 years.

 

I am thinkful to you as you iopened my eyes that lauging on self is not good. I am feeling guilty.

 

So I beg sorry from all the intelligent people like Riaz, who are members of the forum for hurting your feelings.

 

I apolozise

 

Atul

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Hey mylilangel

 

i dint like the words he used, indirectly he is pointing me..

 

SHANTI POOJA aah

 

i dont have anything against anyone else who wrote in this thread.

 

But the start was not good.

 

i never comment on anyone till now and never question anyone. so why do we have to argue.. mylilangel

 

kind regards

 

Respected Software_Riaz,

 

I don't know that whether you will read this post again or not. But this time I am really serious and want to beg sorry. I didn't read this post by you earlier so I didn't mentioned this in my last message.

 

I just read this message and I can't stop myself by posting this message that I never meant to point this to you. I had never done this type of thing in this forum or in my entire life. I didn't even noticed that you had posted any such message in this forum or you even used any such language.

 

I am again feeling very sorry that you misunderstood me and I hurt you unknowingly. I never tried to point any person neither you or any other person.

 

This joke is very special to me because I had listened this joke thousands of time in last 13 years from the mouth of my grandmother, who was the inspiration behind my learning of astrology. She died on 17th this month and yesterday was her Rasam Pagdi. So I started this thread as my tribute to her attitude of making every one smile in her 20 feet radius. She had a very good humour. So I tried to make every one smile in this forum, I thought this way I will feel closer to her.

 

I never meant to hurt you. I am very sorry again.

 

Please Forgive me

 

Sorry

Atul

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