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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "Shut Up". - Joe Namath


My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives - Rita Rudner


We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. - Vlade Divac


Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of the door. - Charleton Ogburn


Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet every evening down at the bar. - Drew Carey


Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan . - A. Whitney Brown


If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy. - Jennifer Lopez


Outside of the killings, Washington DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Marion Barry


A hospital bed is a parked taxi, with the meter running. - Groucho Marx


If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - Dolly Parton


Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them were serious. - Alan Minter (Boxer)


What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry


If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringley


A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. - Laurence J. Peter


I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres


I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. - Bill Cosby


Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger


In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson


Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Marsha Warfield


Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller


If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel


Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen


You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers


Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner


That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. - Bill Cosby

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1. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.


2. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.


3. If I save time, when do I get it back?


4. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


5. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.


6. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.


7. The statement below is true.

The statement above is false.


8. As I said before, I never repeat myself.


9. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.


10. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence..

There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work.


11. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.


12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


13. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.


14. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.


15. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?


16. If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.


17.I was born intelligent - education ruined me.


18.A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a,work station... What more can I say


19.If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?


20.Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright Until you hear them speak.


21.How come "abbreviated" is such a long word ?


22.Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.


23.The Best of Provebs


Should women have children after 35?


No, 35 children are enough


24.Living on Earth may be expensive...

but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun..


25.Your future depends on your dreams

So go to sleep !


26.Love is photogenic;

it needs darkness to develop


27.Can you do anything that other people can't?

Sure, I can read my handwriting..


28.Whom are you working for?

Same people. My wife and four kids

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German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.


Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.


Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...


They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

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