atma

Today I got the second volume of the memories personally delivered at my place of work, here a little more: Pradyumna:Prabhupada considered phones a nuisance. He never had a phone in his room, although there might have been a phone somewhere in the temple. When Prabhupada picked up the receiver he wouldn't hold it like we hold phones. He'd hold it like it was a strange object. He commented a few times, "Your phone rings all the time; it's a nuisance. In India somebody doesn't call before they come; they just show up at your door, and you say, "Ayee,ayee, come in, come in." Once we were sitting in Prabhupada's room in LA when he said, "Our Indian philosophy is open door, open window, open mind. This is our philosophy. We do not like to be blocked in."

Siddhanta is doing a great service with the memories series and you can feel how the devotees enjoy remembering Srila Prabhupada. Every morning before I go to work I read a little bit and somehow when I check in the forums in the evenings is always something connected with what I read before. A little nectar: Hridayananda Goswami: Another time we were walking with Prabhupada in Waikiki, Hawaii. Gurukripa said,"Prabhupada, you won our hearts. Your personality is so attractive that we couldn't help but love you." Prabhupada smiled and said, "Yes, that was my trick."

I'm reading this book called, MEMORIES Anecdotes of a Modern-Day Saint Transcriptions from video interviews conducted and compiled by Siddhanta das To order more volumes of the book or the video series, please contact: www.monsoonmedia.org or www.prabhupada.tv You can write to: MONSOON MEDIA P.O.Box 1015, Culver City, CA 90232-3415,USA I'll call Siddhanta tomorrow to let him know I"m posting here some parts of his book. I don't think he'll be upset. He'll get an extra gulabjamun next time I see him /images/graemlins/smile.gif

Babhru: In 1972, Srila Prabhupada came to Honolulu to install our Deities, Sri Sri Pancha-Tattva and to give sannyas initiation to one of his disciples, Siddha-swarupa, who became Siddhaswarupananda Goswami. Prabhupada was in Hawaii for 10 days, and every day he commented on the beautiful tulasi plants. At that time, taking care of Tulasi devi was my life's work. I started taking care of her at the beginning of 1970 when Hawaii had the first tulasi plants in Iskcon. Prabhupada told Govinda dasi how pleased he was with our big tulasis. We had a bunch of them in front of the temple and lining the sidewalk up to the temple. Prabhupada also said Tulasi was crowding the sidewalk a little, and he said, "It's an offense to brush against Tulasi." Another time he teased us by saying that it was an offense to step on her shadow. The next night the brahmacaris were trying to leap over her shadow across the whole sidewalk. Govinda dasi asked Prabhupada, "What should we do?" Prabhupada laughed and said, "Don't live. Don't die'." Every day Govinda dasi gave me reports about how pleased Srila Prabhupada was with Tulasi Devi's care and I got a little impatient since I had been doing this work for two and half years. One night I said, "Govinda dasi, I would like to hear this things firsthand." Gaursundar, Govinda dasi's husband, was protective of Srila Prabhupada when he was in Hawaii, and we weren't allowed to get very close to Prabhupada. But Govinda dasi grabbed me by the arm, dragged me out to the car, and shoved me in the back. Gaurasundar was in the driver's seat, and Prabhupada was in the passenger seat. Govinda dasi said, "this is Babhru, he does all the work for Tulasi devi." Prabhupada gave me a great big smile and said, "That is very nice. We should always engage our body and our mind in Krishna's service." And I knew at that minute that to him I was transparent.

Govinda: A devotee sculptor came to visit Prabhupada in Hawaii. This devotee had helped me make some Deities, and at this time Prabhupada wanted him to make some Panca Tattva Deities. Prabhupada explained at great lenght how he wanted the deities made. After the conversation, this devotee asked Prabhupada if it was okay for his wife to kill silkworms to make silk. After he left Prabhupada said;, "These Western boys are so creative. Next they will be asking me if they can kill cows to make mridangas."

Memories of Srila Prabhupada: Gurudas: Prabhupada saw Krishna in everything. He said that if Govinda slaps, we accept it as mercy. During the Pakistan-India war we were in Delhi, and some people were saying, "Now we have black-outs, and you are not putting the lights out. Aren't you afraid?" Prabhupada said,"We are not controlling. You cannot even control your toothache, your stomache."They would say "But if a bomb should come?"Prabhupada said, "If he bomb comes, I will see it as Krishna."

Memories of Srila Prabhupada: Hridayananda Goswami: One mataji asked Prabhupada if he was present in his pictures. Prabhupada said, "Yes, therefore my disciples commit so many offenses."

From Memories of Srila Prabhupada: Sudama: Srila Prabhupada saw me come in. I paid my obeisances and he jumped all over me. "What is this? Why you have left? Why are you dressed like that?" He asked me all these questions for twenty minutes, I was sweating, crying, very upset, very confused, very on edge, very on trial in front of my godbrothers, who were really strangers. I had gotten a temple that was too big, and my men had been stolen. It was the old politics game. Srila Prabhupada said, "I want to know one thing before I send you out of here. Do you still love Krishna? Do you believe in Krishna?" I said, "Yes." He said, "All right. You will be okay." Then he turned to everybody in the room and said,"This is disgusting. This is not how vaishnavas behave. You knew that Sudama needed help. You knew that Sudama was crying out in maya, and you ignored him. This is not vaishnava behaviour. A true vaishnava," he said, "would have taken him by the hand earlier on so that this would never have taken place."

From Prabhupada's memories: Govinda: One of my persistent memories is the sand crab story. This took place in Hawaii when we were walking on the beach. Prabhupada was talking about sand crabs, those little white crabs that run sideways and hide in their holes as one walks along. Prabhupada spoke for some time about the sand crabs, and it finally dawned on me that he was saying that there is no such word in Sanskrit as "instinct." Prabhupada asked, "Why is the sand crab running?" Scientists would say, "The sand crab is running away due to instinct. His instinct is to go to his hole." But Prabhupada said that there is no such thing as instinct. Instinct is a word that's been coined by the scientists to cover up the fact that there is Supersoul, there is God and there is past experience. He explained this in detail, and it finally dawned on me that, "I have been taught Darwinism is school all my life, and even thought I had been a devotee for seven years, I was raised to think than the birds and beasts are operating by instinct." Day after day Prabhupada blasted this philosophy in great detail. Prabhupada said, "Suppose you know where the privy(bathroom) is, and after twenty years from now you return to the same house. Because you were here twenty years ago, you still know where the privy is. Similarly, you have been in the body for many lifetimes, so you know to look for mother's breast. The baby animal is nudging for the mother's breast. It's past experience, the past lifetime, and it's the Supersoul within the heart that guides the living entity. It's not instinct. There is no such thing as instinct. Instinct makes no sense. What does instinct means? If you stop to think about it and analyze it, you will see that it means absolutely nothing. Yet the scientists have convinced everyone that the whole of nature is moving by instinct. But the whole of nature is not moving by instinct. It's moving by Supersoul." Prabhupada gave another example, "You can throw food outside, and within twenty minutes the birds will be eating it. They all say it's instinct, but is actually the Supersoul guiding them.'Oh! There is food." This is the kind of talk that he would get into.

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet... You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one. You start introducing yourself as "John at AOL dot com" Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You tell the cab driver you live at [url=http://696.luck.street/house/bluetri.htm Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^) You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse. Your best friend is someone you've never met. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." Your dog has its own home page. So does your gold fish.

Re: over thinking? Sri Isopanishad mean:"the knowledge that brings one nearer to the Supreme Person, Krsna." In the same purport in the second mantra it says: "the Vedic instruction of Sri Isopanishad if that if one actually wants to live for any of the abobe "isms",he should make them God-centered. There is no harm in becoming a family man, or an altruist, a socialist, a communist, a nationalist or a humanitarian, provided that one executes his activities in relation with isavasya, the God-centered conception." It seems to me this is the spirit of Sri Isopanishad. Atma<< Atma, I wonder now if this post isn't really all I needed. I may be over complicating somthing rather simple. Do you think? Just read again the above paragraph. Your answer is there. I think. Atma

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I saw the ad in my work place. Tomorrow I'll have a better look at it. I was in Hilo in 91, it was really nice. Where do you stay?

I just read the 2nd mantra to Sri Isopanishad and from there I read Bhagavad Gita (18.5-9). Now I can go to sleep in good consciousness.

Dear Tech Support, Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!! Sincerely, Devi Dear Devi, This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product! Tech Support Follow-up mail from tech support: Dear Devi, Your Husband 1.0 has been infected with the Mistress 2.1 virus. Try Divorce 3.5 to remove present headaches. Tech support

Thank you Pita dasji for your nice memories. I also had nice experiences in Bangkok and Calcutta was my home for many years.By the mercy of Srila Prabhupada and Adridharan I was pujari of Sri Sri Radha Govinda, Lord Caitanya, little Radha-Gopinath and Jagannath, Baladeva and Subhadra Maharani. I dressed Them in the mornings, did aratiks, offerings, put Them to rest at night. I think Calcutta was the only temple in India were women were allowed to to be full time pujaris. Another thing I have to say here, I saw a comment about Adri the other day and one thing is sure, for Adri was better politically to remain in Iskcon, Harikesa offered him to be GBC but Adri didn't compromise in his beliefs just to get a position and situation. Materially speaking his family is very wealthy so he didn't need Iskcon's laxmi. He fought so hard to have the temple on the lake as Srila Prabhupada wanted but most of the GBC's went against him and told him many times that was something impossible. I didn't agree with Adri in many issues but I really think he is a devotee of Srila Prabhupada and his motives weren't political because if he wanted name, fame and glory he would easily be quiet and just suck up to the big guys. I loved the verandah in the temple and every day I sat there to get the breeze coming from the lake. Every day we sat there listening Bhagavatam class while we cut sabzi for the morning prasada. Life was very austere and simple but somehow we were happy. Pita Dasji, Adridharan bought the property, upstairs and downstairs and even constructed a Guest House in the back with nice kitchen,prasadam hall and offices. He made Srila Prabhupada's room very nice with original items from Srila Prabhupada. Now the temple is run by Mayapur and I don't have much contact but I do miss the Deities and my service to Them. One evening I was lost in Burra Bazar, the largest wholesale market in Asia (at least that is what Pancharatna told me) and walking through the streets I heard ringing of bells and I walked right into the temple of Radha-Govindaji that Srila Prabhupada used to visit as a child. It was very easy to be Prabhupada conscious in Calcutta. Every time I saw the Victoria Memorial I remembered Srila Prabhupada because there are pictures of him walking there with his disciples and in his biography said that he bicycled from his house towards the Maidan many times. Nice memories.

Thank you Pita dasji for your nice memories. I also had nice experiences in Bangkok and Calcutta was my home for many years.By the mercy of Srila Prabhupada and Adridharan I was pujari of Sri Sri Radha Govinda, Lord Caitanya, little Radha-Gopinath and Jagannath, Baladeva and Subhadra Maharani. I dressed Them in the mornings, did aratiks, offerings, put Them to rest at night. I think Calcutta was the only temple in India were women were allowed to to be full time pujaris. Another thing I have to say here, I saw a comment about Adri the other day and one thing is sure, for Adri was better politically to remain in Iskcon, Harikesa offered him to be GBC but Adri didn't compromise in his beliefs just to get a position and situation. Materially speaking his family is very wealthy so he didn't need Iskcon's laxmi. He fought so hard to have the temple on the lake as Srila Prabhupada wanted but most of the GBC's went against him and told him many times that was something impossible. I didn't agree with Adri in many issues but I really think he is a devotee of Srila Prabhupada and his motives weren't political because if he wanted name, fame and glory he would easily be quiet and just suck up to the big guys. I loved the verandah in the temple and every day I sat there to get the breeze coming from the lake. Every day we sat there listening Bhagavatam class while we cut sabzi for the morning prasada. Life was very austere and simple but somehow we were happy. Pita Dasji, Adridharan bought the property, upstairs and downstairs and even constructed a Guest House in the back with nice kitchen,prasadam hall and offices. He made Srila Prabhupada's room very nice with original items from Srila Prabhupada. Now the temple is run by Mayapur and I don't have much contact but I do miss the Deities and my service to Them. One evening I was lost in Burra Bazar, the largest wholesale market in Asia (at least that is what Pancharatna told me) and walking through the streets I heard ringing of bells and I walked right into the temple of Radha-Govindaji that Srila Prabhupada used to visit as a child. It was very easy to be Prabhupada conscious in Calcutta. Every time I saw the Victoria Memorial I remembered Srila Prabhupada because there are pictures of him walking there with his disciples and in his biography said that he bicycled from his house towards the Maidan many times. Nice memories.

The Rev. Jerry Falwell recently outed Tinky Winky, from the television show, "Teletubbies", because, Falwell pronounced, "The character is clearly a fount of gayness. He is purple, the gay color, he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and he carries a purse, something all gay people do." But Falwell's work is far from over. Following are some other targets he is preparing to go after... Fred Flintstone Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team; "Twinkle-Toes Flintstones." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" He wears an orange vest with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma. Bugs Bunny Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belts out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it is worth noting, has a lisp. Velma (of Scooby Doo) Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy. Popeye Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy. Batman and Robin Evidence: Robin's nickname - Boy Wonder. Batman's real name is Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks." Peppermint Patty Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname; Sir. The Pink Panther Enough said.

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 8. The cat is on Valium. 7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated. 5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners. 3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. 1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

We need more of this kind of posts in the forums

We need more of this kind of posts in the forums

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A. Innocence. B. Idealism. C. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? A. If he is your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male' trachea! I am not in any way aroused!" C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: 1. He is legally within the base path, 2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and 3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she is not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. He refused to ask for directions. 12. What is the human race single greatest achievement? A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. Remote control. How to Score... Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimer's joke.

10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made 1. OTHER WOMEN

An American, A Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other looked at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under my skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishmen felt decidely low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman finally said ------------"WELL, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

Which one are you pressing? /images/graemlins/wink.gif Answering machine at the Mental Hospital... "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ... If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.